Last week I detailed four of the nine traits which make up your temperament or personality, and the ways in which as a parent, we can cater for our children’s temperaments, when life isn’t always going to go their way. Let’s look at the other five traits:
Regularity:
Support children who are highly regular by maintaining schedules, where possible. Talk to them, if things are going to be different today.
When children aren’t predictable in their needs for food, sleep or toileting, watch them for indications that they are uncomfortable (tired, hungry), as they may not read the signs themselves.
Sensitivity:
Children with high sensitivity will ‘feel’ or notice small changes – to the way food tastes, to the sounds around them and how fabrics feel on their skin. When they say: ‘this jumper feels scratchy’, to them it really does, and they may become stressed if made to wear it. Respond to their sensitivities with gentleness, and change it if possible.
A child with low sensitivity won’t notice when they are cold, or when the TV is too loud for their ears. Be aware of what is going on around you and assist them, if they don’t notice themselves.
Mood:
Be aware that sometimes children who always present as happy children may not know how to show it, when they aren’t happy, and so just cover it up. Check in with them when things are changing.
If you have a child who is often in a negative mood (cranky, sad or whingy), place them in calm, repetitive situations, where they can learn to cope by becoming familiar with the environment. Acknowledge them, when they do display positive behaviours.
Intensity:
For children who are high intensity (they laugh really loudly, or cry dramatically), it’s important that they receive good role modelling from you, as to how to handle their feelings when things go wrong or change. Talk softly with them at this time, and say: ‘When you stop crying, I can hear what you want’ etc.
Children who are low intensity often don’t know how to express what they are feeling – again modelling helps, and saying words like: ‘I can see you are sad that Daddy’s not home yet, and that makes you want to cry’ etc.
These are just some of the ways to assist your children. It’s particularly important when you have a operate differently in that particular trait, as it might not be obvious to you, as to why they are behaving that way.
As parents we always have the opportunity to grow and learn more about our children (and ourselves!)
Whilst people say that your personality is ‘set’ at birth, and often that is the case - yet we all know adults who have dramatically changed, often after a major event in their life – so change is possible!
Your personality is a tendency to respond in a certain way – with determination and action, an adult can make changes for themselves. When your children grow up, they may make changes within, if they desire. In the meantime, let's help them where they are at, ie with WHO they are.
Happy Parenting!
Last week I listed the nine traits which make up your temperament or personality. Basically you are born with them, and it’s believed they don’t change that much over time – the idea that ‘who you are’ is it.
As a parent, how do we cater for our children’s temperaments, when life isn’t always going to go their way?
Let’s look at each trait.
Activity Level:
If you have a highly active child (more than their peers), give them plenty of opportunity to move about freely, including both inside and outside play – after that maybe have reading time, or puzzle play with them, so that they learn to sit a little. A highly active child is not a diagnosis of ADHD, and if you have genuine concerns, see a doctor. What I’ve often seen is a highly active child, with low activity parents, which makes the child ‘look’ too busy!
Children of low activity, may benefit from gentle encouragement to play an outside ball game, or climbing on the equipment in the park. Avoid letting these children have lots of TV or screen time.
Adaptability:
Children who are highly adaptable may happily flit to each new opportunity. Ensure that you get one on one time playing with them to strengthen your bond, as they’ll want to be off again shortly!
Children who have low adapability need to be given time to get ready for the change/ new situation. Keep them informed. It may be worth repeating a situation, to give them the opportunity to get used to that place/ person.
Persistence:
Children who have high persistence, may continue on a task which is beyond them, as they don’t want to give up, or feel they have ‘failed’. A classic example of this, is one of my daughters. As a 9 y.o she had invested a lot of time in putting together a project for school, with writing, pictures, colourful headings etc. After giving her lots of praise for her work and presentation, I pointed out one spelling mistake (the teacher in me!). She promptly scrunched it up, threw it in the bin, and started again! Encourage these children to get comfortable with mistakes or ‘failures’ so that they see it is part of life, and that it’s actually how you learn to do things differently!
Children with low persistence need your help to stay with a task. Break the task down into smaller, more manageable pieces, and let them have success in this way.
Approach / Withdrawal:
Children who boldly step forward in new situations should not be discouraged from that. They may need reminders around limits and safety.
Children who are more cautious need a bit of time to get used to new situations. Talking with them, in advance, about what’s happening today will alleviate their discomfort. Remind younger children that they can hold your hand if they’re not quite ready. Don’t avoid new situations, just prepare them for it.
We’ll look at the other five traits next week. Till then…
Happy Parenting
You often hear phrases such as: ‘He’s easy tempered’, or ‘She’s got a hot temper’… What does it actually mean?
It’s your personality - the way you act, feel and think. Your temperament, or style of behaviour, is present at birth, is generally resistent to change, and affect our lives into adulthood.
Why do parents need to know about temperament?
As a parent, this is vital information… many parents get upset or annoyed when their child (or partner) behaves in a certain way, because they don’t see the reason behind the behaviour eg why a child gets clingy in a new situation, or why a child doesn’t persist at a task. If you would respond in a similar way, then you will understand why they do things the way they do. But, if they are behaving in a different way to how you would, the child's reason for their behaviour isn't always obvious.
When we understand ourselves and others, it generally leads to better relationships.
Nine traits of temperament have been identified. Image that each of these are on a range or continuum, with no right or wrong position, but rather a means of identifying ‘who’ you are.
Activity Level – some people are really active and use their bodies for exercise, to release energy, and to express emotions. They can’t sit still for long. Others with lower activity levels can sit for longer periods and enjoy quiet activities. Imagine you are the active one, and your child is quieter – chances are you will be nudging them to ‘do things’ and maybe even see them as lazy. If it were reversed (you passive, child active) then you may find yourself saying: Be still, calm down.
Adaptability - Some people have difficulty adapting to changes eg: transition from home to car, or inside play to outside play. Others adapt quickly, when the situation or environment changes.
Persistence / Attention Span – Do you give up easily in the face of a challenge, or a frustration? Persistent people will work for a long time to achieve goals. Low persistent people become frustrated easily and feel unable to stick to a task if it seems too challenging.
Approach / Withdrawal - Some people eagerly jump into new experiences. Others are cautious, and like to become familiar with the new scene, watching from a distance before joining in. Imagine you are a ‘bounce into it’ person, and your child is holding back. You may be ‘pushing’ them to join in now, when they aren’t ready – leading to a clash. Or, if you were the quiet one, and your child rushes in to new experiences quickly, you may want to hold them back.
Are you seeing the implication of being the ‘same’ as your child, and being ‘different’ to you child, and the likely results of each? Let’s continue…
Regularity - Do you operate best, with regular times to eat, sleep, and even toilet? Some people are very predictable and work to a timetable. Others are unpredictable and find it difficult to establish a routine.
Sensitivity – If you have low sensitivity, you aren’t bothered too much by pain, loud noises or the feeling of clothing fabrics. People with high sensitivity usually react negatively to loud noises, bright lights and food tastes.Their senses become easily overstimulated, and they may want to isolate themselves.
Mood - Are you generally ‘up beat’, displaying pleasant behaviours, or maybe towards ‘blue’ and/ or displaying ‘negative’ behaviours?
Distractability – How focussed are you on your tasks? People with low distractability can remain on task, and follow instructions. People with high distractibility can find it hard to complete tasks, but may be flexible.
Intensity – how much energy do you put into your behaviours eg some people don’t just cry, they wail loudly. Some don’t quietly chuckle, they laugh heartily.
Understanding your and your child’s temperament makes parenting just that bit easier!
Over the next two weeks, I’ll write about ways to assist each personality trait.
Happy Parenting!