I remember my mother talking to me as a child, about disagreements within the family - How sometimes my sisters and I would argue about something or other, and one of us would end up saying (like many 7 or 9 year olds): 'I'm not talking to you ever, ever again'! The 'injured' one would be lamenting to Mum about how mean or unfair our sister was, and after she'd soothed us, she would then say: “The sun comes up again tomorrow” - meaning that tomorrow was a new day, a fresh beginning.

When I was older, she talked about how she never went to bed without saying: “I love you to my Dad” - even if they'd had a disagreement – she refused to take the emotion of anger or hurt to sleep.

I was reminded of this last week, when I went to a Joan Baez concert – a folk singer from the 60 -70's who was performing in Hobart. One of the first songs she performed had a line it it which resonated for me.... it was: Every new day we have is another chance to get it right”. Now it could be many things... your relationship, an assignment you've been working on, or a handyman job you've been struggling with. I really like these sentiments as it's a reminder that indeed the 'sun does come up again tomorrow', that yesterdays situation is gone and today is a new opportunity to move forward, to get it right. This also has relevance to parenting and the relationships within our families....

It's important for us to move forwards from yesterday's stresses or woes; that we model that to our children; and that we teach them the process too.

We've all had those challenging days where it's one thing on top of another....

• the first child missed the school bus and you had to drop everything to get drive him there,
• when you've been just about to walk into a shop and your baby vomits on your shirt,
• when your toddlers have spent the day squabbling, and
• the dog has barked too many times.

These are the days which really test us as parents, where we get to see what's really inside of us.... do we take a breath, calm down and deal with things one at a time, or do we explode, taking it out verbally on the children, the dog or the delivery guy who happens to turn up?

If you are the latter, then it really is an indication of overload, of the need to take time out for you. I know that can be hard to organise, but seriously if you don't there will just be more fire inside of you, which isn't good for you, or for the family. Arrange with family, friends, childcare or trusted neighbours to have your children for a few hours or even a whole day! Do something nice for yourself – a walk on the beach, a whole cup of hot coffee in a cafe, a bush walk, a swim, a bubble bath – anything which makes you sigh and say to yourself: Ahhh, this is good, I needed this'!

The benefits are amazing – not only will you feel fantastic, but you will come back to your 'day job' with a smile on your face again. This time off does not include an opportunity to catch up on housework.... that will not give you the same buzz!

Note that several of the things I suggested involved getting out into nature.... it is well known that a natural environment does wonders for us! It's the calming nature of the natural environment, of what you can see and smell there, as well as the 'grounding' effect. It's as if it recharges us!

When your children have had 'those' days, where everything seems to have gone wrong for them, and they are frustrated and angry... as parents we have the opportunity to teach our children how to handle theses sort of situations. Show them how taking a break and moving to a new activity can help. Show them how getting outside in the fresh air and going for a walk helps. Show them how to sit on a bush walk and breath in the forest smells helps – all very calming!

And, on the days when you've born the brunt of their tantrums and challenging behaviours, it's really important that your child goes to bed with a hug and kiss from you, and words similar to this..... 'Today was a really hard day for you. Mummy/Daddy loves you and I know that tomorrow is going to be a GREAT day!' – instill in your children the concept that 'tomorrow is another chance to get it right'... that the sun will come up again tomorrow!

Happy Sun-shiny Parenting!

Over the years of being a Parenting Consultant, I’ve spoken with may parents about what they see as their role, and what they want for their children. So many parents have said, that they want to be their child’s friend.

I believe that when you gave birth, you became a parent, and that is your role!

Over their lifetime, your children will (hopefully) have many friends – some short term, some long term, but they will only ever have you as parents – that is your role!

All children need parents to guide, teach and encourage them – and that is your role.

Let’s look at the components of parenting by looking at what a child needs:

'Love'  Children need unconditional love – by that I mean, that they need to be loved just because they exist – not because they tidied their room, or because they got a good report card. As parents we value these behaviours or results, but they have nothing to do with love. Love is what you give someone, because they exist; because you smile when they are around; you enjoy their company; and you’d be sad without them in your life – that’s love! All children need this. Love comes in many forms: hugs and kisses, High- 5’s; telling them how special they are to you, smiling, and spending time together. Does this mean you always ‘like’ their behaviour – probably not when they hit their brother, or draw on the wall etc – but it’s the behaviour you don’t like! And, that’s where discipline comes in…

Discipline Parents need to discipline their children. The word discipline means ‘to teach’ – it’s not about punishing the child, it’s about showing them a different or better way of behaving or of doing something. It involves patience, compassion and time.

All children benefit from boundaries, structure and routines – it provides them with a trust in you and your ‘systems’, because the results are the same each time – ie they learn consistency. Children without these boundaries are often the children with difficulties, because they don’t know when to stop (the behaviour). It’s up to us parents to provide this.

To be Taught
We need to teach our children – we are their first and most important teachers. Look at what we teach our children in the first 3 years: words, play activities, colours, numbers, their name, how to use a potty, to feed themselves, to ask nicely, to say please and thank you, and so much more.

We also need to teach them, when they make mistakes or poor choices. Eg they draw on the wall. Yelling at them or smacking them won't teach them what to do next time (it just teaches them you are angry). It would be the same if I asked you to spell an unfamiliar word and when you got it wrong, I yelled at you! A better way would be to teach you how to spell it. One of your roles as a parent, is to not yell, but to show, or teach them!

Playtime with you Parents will say: He’s got a room full of toy, but he doesn’t play with them. If you (the parent) pull out the toy and engage with the child, they will want to play. This tells you, that you are their favourite one – not a toy! Playing together, regularly, is of huge benefit to your relationship with your child(ren)

To be Supported and Encouraged We need to encourage kids not just when they achieve a skill, but equally when they are working on a skill eg learning to feed themselves. Acknowledge their efforts and support them in continuing – and just watch their smiles and sense of pride develop!

As parents we need to give our children: our time, patience,

compassion, strength, consistency and love.

Happy Parenting!

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Image by Leonid Mamchenkov via Flickr