Stress is a part of our lives. We have positive stress – eg we have many things which must be completed today. The stress of that can give us the energy to not procrastinate, but to drive us to action, to complete the task. Negative stress can be when things happen which are out of our control, and we feel stuck or unable to deal with the effects.

We don’t like to think that our small children can experience stress, but they experience life as we do. A little stress, like having to wait for something is okay – it can teach them patience (eg to wait their turn) or to understand time and sequence (eg after the toys are away we’ll go outside), and that’s a good thing. Even the stress of seeing Mum and Dad angry once or twice (as long as there is no violence involved) is okay, particularly if they see that they make up and life continues as normal – this can help to show that conflict can be resolved. On-going major stress is not okay for children, and can cause later problems for that child in different ways. This article is about the daily stresses – which are different ones for everyone!

So what does stress look like in children?

• Crying – it’s actually good for them to let it out, so don’t stop them.
• Thumb sucking, looking down – comfort them and listen.
• Aggression or abusive words – acknowledge their feelings and redirect them to more acceptible language or behaviours.
• Showing off – this happens when there’s an audience, so prepare them in advance for lots of visitors or if you are going where there are many people.
• Mumbling or stuttering – allow them time to express themselves, and show genuine interest.

Emotion Coaching (as taught in the '123 Magic and Emotion Coaching' course for parents) is very useful. You don’t always need to fix the problem, but we all desire to be heard! You do this by stating their emotions eg ‘I can see you’re really angry about this’ or ‘ You’re sad because you left your teddy at Grandmas house’ these statements validate the child and their emotions.

What may cause stress in children?

Note, that not all children experience stress because of these factors, and some children are more sensitive than others and so require different levels of support.

• Weather – windy and rain for several days where it’s harder to get outside;
• Noise – see if you can reduce the noise, turn the TV off, and speak quietly;
• Diet – different foods can stress children’s bodies and may affect their behaviour;
• Too many choices – generally 3 choices is enough eg ‘Are you going to wear the green shirt, the blue one or the stripe-y one?’
• Too many rules – streamline them and make them simple.
• Change-over times eg from playtime to bedtime, or when going to different houses – let them know in advance what is happening. Speak calmly to them;
• Too high expectations – this could be yours or theirs! Talk with them about ways to do things differently, if they don’t succeed the first time;
• Unexpected changes – explain the facts (simply) and what’s going to happen next. Talk about change as a normal part of life.
• Lots of children – if you have a large family or lots of visitors, make the time (even just for a minute or two) to connect with them individually and give them a warm hug or smile.

Children need our help when they are stressed, as they haven’t yet developed the emotional capacity to deal with disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration etc – we are their regulators. They need our gentle support. If you are also stressed due to a certain situation, then ask a grandparent or trusted friend to support you child.

Remember: Calm and consistent is the key!

Happy Parenting!

Last weekend I stepped outside and headed to the veggie patch, as I needed some parsley for my cooking. I was surprised to see that it was turning yellow, with only a few green tufts left. Glancing around I saw that the rhubarb was bolting, the tomatoes were tiny and had been eaten by a grub, and the other plants were looking wilted. How did this happen to my once lush, productive garden? I stopped to think…..Mmmm, it had been a week since I’d been out there. No wait …. maybe it was 2, or even 3 weeks! I realised that I hadn’t tended to the garden for such a long time due to my work and personal commitments, and as a result it was neglected.

12 months ago that same garden had given me large quantities of tomatoes, parsley and zucchini which I happily shared. 12 months ago I was regularly out in the garden weeding, watering and nurturing it. What a difference!

How does this relate to parenting?

Children need to be nurtured. Just like a plant which needs good soil, water and sunshine to grow, our children also have needs. These must be satisfied in order to grow into healthy, ‘productive’ children.

Their needs are simple….. and it doesn’t involve trips to the toy store or expensive excursions to the latest theme park! Their needs centre around you. They need the basics as all humans do of food, clothing, shelter AND they need love and connection in order to thrive!

You, as parents, are the ones who can provide this. Thriving happens when children receive:

• Hugs – often! Hugs because they have fallen over, hugs because they are excited, or hugs to greet them when they come home from school. Most importantly hugs ‘to say ‘I Love You’;
• Cuddles and kisses – snuggles and cuddles when reading bedtime stories, or when they hop into bed with you in the morning; when leaving or picking them up from childcare, and any other reason you can think of;
• Kind words – children need kind words from you, both when they play or behave well, and also when they don’t. If your child has behaved inappropriately this is not the time for yelling – it’s a time to speak clearly and kindly, and to encourage them to do it differently next time. Just imagine if your boss at work yelled and was rude to you when you made an error – that would lead to anger, resentment or fear within you. People learn lessons best if the message is delivered respectfully and with kindness;
• Encouragement – Young children are learning all the time. They learn how to brush their teeth, how to hold a pencil and how to be gentle with the cat. When they are first learning, they aren’t great at that skill yet. They need your support and encouragement to continue to learn the skill. If you forcefully take over when they can’t quite get their socks on properly, you have discouraged them from even wanting to try. Instead praise their attempts with positive words eg ‘That’s great Monique – you have the sock on half way!’ If they are struggling and are beginning to get frustrated ask them IF they would like your help. Don’t assume they will.
• Your time – giving children your time is the most valuable gift. It’s the time you give when you put your phone away and play blocks with them, or build sandcastles on the beach; it’s the time when you read the same story 5 nights in a row because it’s their favourite, or the time you give when you watch them do a ‘special jump’ on the trampoline – even when you’ve already seen it before. It’s the time when you focus on them and interact positively together.
• Validation – children need to be validated and be reminded often that they are special, loved, amazing, beautiful, have a kind heart and that they are so clever. The more supportive validation they receive, the more they will believe in themselves – ie it raises their self-esteem. I will add here I’m not talking about ‘gushy’ praise, but sincere comments which will build them up.

The more you nurture and nourish your child the more they will flourish.

And, I’m heading out into my garden to do some nurturing!

Happy thriving parenting!

When we become pregnant, there is so much focus on the developing foetus – the size, the gender, the health etc. Health professionals and family members encourage the pregnant Mother to eat well, avoid toxins such as smoke, and to get enough rest. These factors (and others) can contribute to the birth of a healthy baby.

When the baby is born there are regular check-ins with community nurses to monitor the progress of the new child. There is a lot of attention on the well-being and growth of the child.

What about the growth of the parent?

What does it take to ‘grow’ a healthy happy parent?

• Support – it is vital that the new parents have support- from their partners, family and friends. In the early days it may be practical support like cooking meals, doing the washing, or a bit of cleaning.
• Partnership – if there are 2 parents raising the baby, it’s important that they both share the work load of shopping, washing and caring for the child. It’s especially important that the Dad is giving Mum a break, so she can fully recover from the birth. This also enables the process of ‘Attachment’ to occur between Father and child.
• Encouragement – tell the new parents what a great job they are doing – in caring for, and nurturing their child. Be a listening ‘ear’, not a judgemental ‘voice’.
• Knowledge – when you are studying any course, you learn the facts, and then apply them – parenting is the same. It’s important to understand the developing child, to know what happens at the various stages, and to learn techniques to support and teach the child.
• Sleep – ahhh, this is critical! New parents often are so sleep deprived, that it makes it difficult to function the next day, and they know tonight will be the same! With a newborn, I always encourage the Mum to lay down for a rest at the same time as the baby. So many Mums say they ‘need’ to do the washing or cleaning, yet they end up walking around like zombies.
• Good food – eating healthy nutritious food ensures we are energised in the best possible way. Eating less nutritious food can lead to feeling tired and with little energy to cope with the demands of parenthood.
• Exercise – moderate daily exercise! Simple exercise like a walk, provides a change of scenery, fresh air, and an increase in energy. This is really a great thing to do, when the baby or toddler is unsettled – put them in the pram, and notice what a difference a bit of fresh air and exercise makes for everyone.
• Family time – ensure that you spend time doing something together regularly – walking, playing, reading or group cuddles!
• Couple time – maintaining the relationship with your partner is important – it’s very easy to get caught up with the fun and work of parenthood, and forget to make time as a couple. A regular ‘date night’ will keep you linked as a couple.
• Community - I love this saying: “It takes a village to raise a child.” When a child grows up in the arms of his family, which includes extended family, and neighbours, and maybe sporting or church group, then they have a strong sense of ‘belonging’. I believe it’s also the same for the parent…. To have that sense of belonging means there is always someone there to turn to, for support in times of need.

Just some of the ways to ‘grow’ a parent.

Happy Parenting!

Over the years of being a Parenting Consultant, I’ve spoken with may parents about what they see as their role, and what they want for their children. So many parents have said, that they want to be their child’s friend.

I believe that when you gave birth, you became a parent, and that is your role!

Over their lifetime, your children will (hopefully) have many friends – some short term, some long term, but they will only ever have you as parents – that is your role!

All children need parents to guide, teach and encourage them – and that is your role.

Let’s look at the components of parenting by looking at what a child needs:

'Love'  Children need unconditional love – by that I mean, that they need to be loved just because they exist – not because they tidied their room, or because they got a good report card. As parents we value these behaviours or results, but they have nothing to do with love. Love is what you give someone, because they exist; because you smile when they are around; you enjoy their company; and you’d be sad without them in your life – that’s love! All children need this. Love comes in many forms: hugs and kisses, High- 5’s; telling them how special they are to you, smiling, and spending time together. Does this mean you always ‘like’ their behaviour – probably not when they hit their brother, or draw on the wall etc – but it’s the behaviour you don’t like! And, that’s where discipline comes in…

Discipline Parents need to discipline their children. The word discipline means ‘to teach’ – it’s not about punishing the child, it’s about showing them a different or better way of behaving or of doing something. It involves patience, compassion and time.

All children benefit from boundaries, structure and routines – it provides them with a trust in you and your ‘systems’, because the results are the same each time – ie they learn consistency. Children without these boundaries are often the children with difficulties, because they don’t know when to stop (the behaviour). It’s up to us parents to provide this.

To be Taught
We need to teach our children – we are their first and most important teachers. Look at what we teach our children in the first 3 years: words, play activities, colours, numbers, their name, how to use a potty, to feed themselves, to ask nicely, to say please and thank you, and so much more.

We also need to teach them, when they make mistakes or poor choices. Eg they draw on the wall. Yelling at them or smacking them won't teach them what to do next time (it just teaches them you are angry). It would be the same if I asked you to spell an unfamiliar word and when you got it wrong, I yelled at you! A better way would be to teach you how to spell it. One of your roles as a parent, is to not yell, but to show, or teach them!

Playtime with you Parents will say: He’s got a room full of toy, but he doesn’t play with them. If you (the parent) pull out the toy and engage with the child, they will want to play. This tells you, that you are their favourite one – not a toy! Playing together, regularly, is of huge benefit to your relationship with your child(ren)

To be Supported and Encouraged We need to encourage kids not just when they achieve a skill, but equally when they are working on a skill eg learning to feed themselves. Acknowledge their efforts and support them in continuing – and just watch their smiles and sense of pride develop!

As parents we need to give our children: our time, patience,

compassion, strength, consistency and love.

Happy Parenting!

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Image by Leonid Mamchenkov via Flickr