Stress is a part of our lives. We have positive stress – eg we have many things which must be completed today. The stress of that can give us the energy to not procrastinate, but to drive us to action, to complete the task. Negative stress can be when things happen which are out of our control, and we feel stuck or unable to deal with the effects.

We don’t like to think that our small children can experience stress, but they experience life as we do. A little stress, like having to wait for something is okay – it can teach them patience (eg to wait their turn) or to understand time and sequence (eg after the toys are away we’ll go outside), and that’s a good thing. Even the stress of seeing Mum and Dad angry once or twice (as long as there is no violence involved) is okay, particularly if they see that they make up and life continues as normal – this can help to show that conflict can be resolved. On-going major stress is not okay for children, and can cause later problems for that child in different ways. This article is about the daily stresses – which are different ones for everyone!

So what does stress look like in children?

• Crying – it’s actually good for them to let it out, so don’t stop them.
• Thumb sucking, looking down – comfort them and listen.
• Aggression or abusive words – acknowledge their feelings and redirect them to more acceptible language or behaviours.
• Showing off – this happens when there’s an audience, so prepare them in advance for lots of visitors or if you are going where there are many people.
• Mumbling or stuttering – allow them time to express themselves, and show genuine interest.

Emotion Coaching (as taught in the '123 Magic and Emotion Coaching' course for parents) is very useful. You don’t always need to fix the problem, but we all desire to be heard! You do this by stating their emotions eg ‘I can see you’re really angry about this’ or ‘ You’re sad because you left your teddy at Grandmas house’ these statements validate the child and their emotions.

What may cause stress in children?

Note, that not all children experience stress because of these factors, and some children are more sensitive than others and so require different levels of support.

• Weather – windy and rain for several days where it’s harder to get outside;
• Noise – see if you can reduce the noise, turn the TV off, and speak quietly;
• Diet – different foods can stress children’s bodies and may affect their behaviour;
• Too many choices – generally 3 choices is enough eg ‘Are you going to wear the green shirt, the blue one or the stripe-y one?’
• Too many rules – streamline them and make them simple.
• Change-over times eg from playtime to bedtime, or when going to different houses – let them know in advance what is happening. Speak calmly to them;
• Too high expectations – this could be yours or theirs! Talk with them about ways to do things differently, if they don’t succeed the first time;
• Unexpected changes – explain the facts (simply) and what’s going to happen next. Talk about change as a normal part of life.
• Lots of children – if you have a large family or lots of visitors, make the time (even just for a minute or two) to connect with them individually and give them a warm hug or smile.

Children need our help when they are stressed, as they haven’t yet developed the emotional capacity to deal with disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration etc – we are their regulators. They need our gentle support. If you are also stressed due to a certain situation, then ask a grandparent or trusted friend to support you child.

Remember: Calm and consistent is the key!

Happy Parenting!

I was recently asked by a parent of a 6 year old, ‘How do I help my child who worries a lot. He’s anxious, but won’t always tell me what’s going on?’ First thing – give him regular hugs and tell him how much you love him – that’s always a good start!

The following will give you some ideas on how to assist your child if they have a tendency to worry or be anxious.

Where did the anxiety come from?

It’s always useful to look at the background of the child… the parents, the home and the past experiences. Sometimes there is an overly anxious parent who constantly gives children messages to: ‘be careful’, to ‘watch out’, or ‘you might get hurt’. When children are told this often enough, they start to believe that their world isn’t safe. In regards to the home situation – has there been a trauma? eg a death, a serious accident, or parents separating, where there’s been a lot of heightened emotions – some children tend to make this mean that’s there’s immediate danger to them or those around them – they fear ‘bad stuff’ will happen to them. There are also children who have been affected by alcohol or drugs when in utero. When a woman uses these during pregnancy, they can affect the developing foetus, and may cause brain changes, which can affect a variety of functions, including being anxious or lacking impulse control. Obviously we can’t change what has already happened in the past, so let’s look at what we can do now, and also in terms of building resilience in children.

To help now:

Ensure that the child has the opportunity to eat healthy, nourishing food, and that they get a good nights sleep. Ideas for great sleep routines can be found at theparentingcafe.com.au/how-you-can-establish-healthy-sleeping-patterns/

Role playing using their favourite teddy can be useful eg: While your child is nearby, you pick up Teddy and pretend that Teddy is whispering to you, and you say: ’What’s that Teddy? You’re scared? What are you scared of?’ Leave pauses in between, as if Teddy is talking to you. By now your child will be watching you, and then you ask them: ‘What do you think Teddy can do, when he’s scared about xyz?’ Often children come up with great solutions, when they are problem solving for another – but of course it also helps them!

Worry dolls are great. These are tiny figures made from pipe cleaners, and come in a small fabric bag. The idea is that when you put a child to bed, you tell them you want them to have a great night sleep, and that you know that sometimes when you go to bed, you start thinking and worrying, and that you’ve got a great idea to help them…. You give them the little bag. Tell the child to take the dolls out (there’s usually about 6 in the bag) and to whisper any worries they have, one to each doll. When they’ve finished, they put the dolls back in the bed, and you tell them that now it will be easy to sleep, because the dolls will have their worries. It sounds simple, but it often works!

Another strategy is to use simple visualisations with them, also at bed-time. If you are unfamiliar with this, it is talking them through a very gentle scene, where basically they get to relax. You speak in a soft voice, which is very soothing. A favourite book of mine for this is “Starbright” by Maureen Garth. She presents several scenes which you can read to your child to help them relax. Maureen has a great one about a Worry Tree, and another about constructing a special star for the child, which is like a guardian angel – both are very effective.

Ensure that you have lots of fun times with your child, playing together in the park, or with a board game, or chatting over a milkshake. Make the chat unrelated to any issues going on, and at the end tell him how much you like chatting and hearing what he has to say – you are giving the message that you listen, and are available.

If you are an anxious parent, talk to a friend, your doctor or a counsellor to allay your fears – remember that children are little sponges, and readily ‘copy’ what you do, and how you act.

Next week we’ll look at how to build capacity or resilience in our children. Till then remember:

Calm and Consistent parenting

I remember my mother talking to me as a child, about disagreements within the family - How sometimes my sisters and I would argue about something or other, and one of us would end up saying (like many 7 or 9 year olds): 'I'm not talking to you ever, ever again'! The 'injured' one would be lamenting to Mum about how mean or unfair our sister was, and after she'd soothed us, she would then say: “The sun comes up again tomorrow” - meaning that tomorrow was a new day, a fresh beginning.

When I was older, she talked about how she never went to bed without saying: “I love you to my Dad” - even if they'd had a disagreement – she refused to take the emotion of anger or hurt to sleep.

I was reminded of this last week, when I went to a Joan Baez concert – a folk singer from the 60 -70's who was performing in Hobart. One of the first songs she performed had a line it it which resonated for me.... it was: Every new day we have is another chance to get it right”. Now it could be many things... your relationship, an assignment you've been working on, or a handyman job you've been struggling with. I really like these sentiments as it's a reminder that indeed the 'sun does come up again tomorrow', that yesterdays situation is gone and today is a new opportunity to move forward, to get it right. This also has relevance to parenting and the relationships within our families....

It's important for us to move forwards from yesterday's stresses or woes; that we model that to our children; and that we teach them the process too.

We've all had those challenging days where it's one thing on top of another....

• the first child missed the school bus and you had to drop everything to get drive him there,
• when you've been just about to walk into a shop and your baby vomits on your shirt,
• when your toddlers have spent the day squabbling, and
• the dog has barked too many times.

These are the days which really test us as parents, where we get to see what's really inside of us.... do we take a breath, calm down and deal with things one at a time, or do we explode, taking it out verbally on the children, the dog or the delivery guy who happens to turn up?

If you are the latter, then it really is an indication of overload, of the need to take time out for you. I know that can be hard to organise, but seriously if you don't there will just be more fire inside of you, which isn't good for you, or for the family. Arrange with family, friends, childcare or trusted neighbours to have your children for a few hours or even a whole day! Do something nice for yourself – a walk on the beach, a whole cup of hot coffee in a cafe, a bush walk, a swim, a bubble bath – anything which makes you sigh and say to yourself: Ahhh, this is good, I needed this'!

The benefits are amazing – not only will you feel fantastic, but you will come back to your 'day job' with a smile on your face again. This time off does not include an opportunity to catch up on housework.... that will not give you the same buzz!

Note that several of the things I suggested involved getting out into nature.... it is well known that a natural environment does wonders for us! It's the calming nature of the natural environment, of what you can see and smell there, as well as the 'grounding' effect. It's as if it recharges us!

When your children have had 'those' days, where everything seems to have gone wrong for them, and they are frustrated and angry... as parents we have the opportunity to teach our children how to handle theses sort of situations. Show them how taking a break and moving to a new activity can help. Show them how getting outside in the fresh air and going for a walk helps. Show them how to sit on a bush walk and breath in the forest smells helps – all very calming!

And, on the days when you've born the brunt of their tantrums and challenging behaviours, it's really important that your child goes to bed with a hug and kiss from you, and words similar to this..... 'Today was a really hard day for you. Mummy/Daddy loves you and I know that tomorrow is going to be a GREAT day!' – instill in your children the concept that 'tomorrow is another chance to get it right'... that the sun will come up again tomorrow!

Happy Sun-shiny Parenting!