Many Mums are awesome at looking after their children – nurturing, feeding, loving, playing, educating, disciplining and laughing.
Many of those Mums are also great at looking after their partners – again, loving, caring & laughing.
Why then, when we are the ‘experts’ at looking after others, do we often do such a poor job of looking after ourselves?
This is a concern, on a few levels.
If we keep ‘giving’, without replenishing ourselves, we reach a stage of ‘emptiness’. As a Parenting Consultant for 18 years, I’ve seen many women who love the early years of parenthood, and then they start to look tired and worn out, which can lead to resentment.
Now we all know parenting can be both fulfilling and exhausting. A Mum who looks after herself, will be able to more easily cope with the various things which can happen in a day with youngsters – drawing on the walls, cutting their sisters hair, and vegemite hugs!
The second concern with not looking after yourself as Mums, is the modelling aspect. As we know, children model both our positive, and our less desirable traits. If you are tired, constantly giving, and never doing anything for yourself, this is the image you are presenting to your children. To your female children you are saying, (through your actions): ‘When you grow up honey, you can be tired and run-down like this’. And, to your male children, you are saying: ‘When you grow up, find someone like me, who’ll do everything for you’. Is this the message you want to convey?
Wouldn’t it be great, to model for them – strength & fulfilment, love & receiving, nurturing others & self-care – isn’t that what you really want for your children?
So, how do we find ‘Me-Time’ when there’s washing to hang out, a toddler who wants you to paint, and what’s for dinner?
The answer lies in the amazing way in which Mums are able to organise and multi-task every day! Think of what you do when you go out with a young baby – nappies, wipes, change of clothes, toys, books, food etc. We are capable organisers – so let’s utilise that strength!
Open your diaries right now, and pick a time this week, and write in “Me-Time” – ideally a 2 - 3 hr spot. I can already hear some of you giving me excuses why it’s not possible. However, if it were an appointment for the dentist or Canteen duty, you would do what you needed to do, to keep the appointment. You can do this!
Many of you have sisters, friends and neighbours who have children similar ages to yours. Build those friendships, by having them over for play dates, at your home, or theirs. Once you know and trust them well enough, that’s when the magic of “Me-Time” begins — the two of you agree that (eg) Tuesdays 9am -12 noon is “Me-Time”. One Tuesday you drop your children off to their place, knowing they will be well cared for. You now have 3 hours just for you – a walk, a bubble bath, painting your nails or to read a book and drink a whole cup of hot tea! Imagine how refreshed you would feel, and how you would greet your children (and partner) once again with a big smile. Next week, you reciprocate for your friend. How good would it be to have that time regularly? – value yourself enough to make this happen!
One suggested ‘rule’ is that in “Me-Time” there is no housework to be done! – this is about nurturing yourself… You and your children deserve that!
Happy Parenting!
Many years ago a survey was conducted, asking young children (4 - 8y.o) the question: “What is love?”
Their answers varied considerably and were obviously based on what was modelled to them in their environment......
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy 4
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri 4
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby 7
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy 8
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image!) Karen 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica 8
The responses they've given indicate that they've seen love displayed via the words, the body language, the emotion, via connection, the feelings and that it's important.
It's well known that when children feel loved and valued, they develop into secure and happy people. The same is true for us as adults!
How do we show children that we love them?
We can do it through our words, our touch, our availability, the acts of service we do, and it maybe via small gifts. Gary Chapman wrote an excellent book about love called 'The Five Love Languages' and the importance of them to both children and adults.
However the important place to start is by looking at yourself....
All of these are going to be on display to your child/ren. Based on what they see and hear, they will draw conclusions about what love is. For children to go onto having healthy relationships themselves, they need to know what that is.
If you are feeling unloved, if you are in a relationship where love isn't shown in any way, or if you don't take care of your self, your children will perceive that this is what love is, and they may seek out relationships where this is the case.
Conversely if you are in a loving relationship and you take good care of yourself in terms of health and fun, then this is what your children will strive for in their relationships.
If you don't have a partner, all is not lost... love relationships are not just about partners – it's friends and family too. So hugs between your siblings, giving flowers to your Mum, cooking a meal for an elderly relative are all displays of affection and regard, and great modelling for your children.
Have a conversation with your children... ask them 'What is love?' and 'How do you know I love you?'
It will be interesting to see what they say.
Happy Loving Parenting!
Last weekend I stepped outside and headed to the veggie patch, as I needed some parsley for my cooking. I was surprised to see that it was turning yellow, with only a few green tufts left. Glancing around I saw that the rhubarb was bolting, the tomatoes were tiny and had been eaten by a grub, and the other plants were looking wilted. How did this happen to my once lush, productive garden? I stopped to think…..Mmmm, it had been a week since I’d been out there. No wait …. maybe it was 2, or even 3 weeks! I realised that I hadn’t tended to the garden for such a long time due to my work and personal commitments, and as a result it was neglected.
12 months ago that same garden had given me large quantities of tomatoes, parsley and zucchini which I happily shared. 12 months ago I was regularly out in the garden weeding, watering and nurturing it. What a difference!
How does this relate to parenting?
Children need to be nurtured. Just like a plant which needs good soil, water and sunshine to grow, our children also have needs. These must be satisfied in order to grow into healthy, ‘productive’ children.
Their needs are simple….. and it doesn’t involve trips to the toy store or expensive excursions to the latest theme park! Their needs centre around you. They need the basics as all humans do of food, clothing, shelter AND they need love and connection in order to thrive!
You, as parents, are the ones who can provide this. Thriving happens when children receive:
The more you nurture and nourish your child the more they will flourish.
And, I’m heading out into my garden to do some nurturing!
Happy thriving parenting!
We all know that children need food, clothing and shelter to 'survive', but besides the basic needs, how do we truly grow them into curious, strong, resilient children?
When your baby cries, s/he is telling you something – eg I'm hungry, I'm tired, I've have wind. As parents our response determines what message the child gets. For example if the baby cries because they are hungry, and you feed them, they learn that you will give them what they need. As you consistently do this, they learn that they can trust you to continue to meet their needs, and this is called building Secure Attachment. When you do this, it also creates new ways of understanding for the baby in his/her brain, ie new brain cells (known as neurons) are formed.
Consider a baby whose parent(s) don't consistently respond to their baby's cries for food. The parent may not be responding for many reasons – mental health issues, drug or alcohol issues, for example. This baby gets the message that I can't trust that people help to meet my needs. They learn that the world is unsafe and unreliable and they don't develop the neural pathways around trust.
I stress here that I'm not talking about the few times where you didn't immediately respond to the baby because you were feeding a toddler, or you were in the bathroom – I'm talking about consistently not attending to the child.
There are many ways you can respond to your child. We can group them together into 5 main categories, and children benefit from all of these parenting behaviours:
As parents we need to operate using all of these behaviours, using what is most needed now. Be aware of your individual strengths in these areas, and also which ones you might need a bit more practice at. Sometimes you can be lucky and between the two parents have a complete set!, or you can encourage each other to continue to grow in your parenting journey.
Happy Parenting!