Many years ago a survey was conducted, asking young children (4 - 8y.o) the question: “What is love?”
Their answers varied considerably and were obviously based on what was modelled to them in their environment......
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy 4
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri 4
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby 7
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy 8
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image!) Karen 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica 8
The responses they've given indicate that they've seen love displayed via the words, the body language, the emotion, via connection, the feelings and that it's important.
It's well known that when children feel loved and valued, they develop into secure and happy people. The same is true for us as adults!
How do we show children that we love them?
We can do it through our words, our touch, our availability, the acts of service we do, and it maybe via small gifts. Gary Chapman wrote an excellent book about love called 'The Five Love Languages' and the importance of them to both children and adults.
However the important place to start is by looking at yourself....
All of these are going to be on display to your child/ren. Based on what they see and hear, they will draw conclusions about what love is. For children to go onto having healthy relationships themselves, they need to know what that is.
If you are feeling unloved, if you are in a relationship where love isn't shown in any way, or if you don't take care of your self, your children will perceive that this is what love is, and they may seek out relationships where this is the case.
Conversely if you are in a loving relationship and you take good care of yourself in terms of health and fun, then this is what your children will strive for in their relationships.
If you don't have a partner, all is not lost... love relationships are not just about partners – it's friends and family too. So hugs between your siblings, giving flowers to your Mum, cooking a meal for an elderly relative are all displays of affection and regard, and great modelling for your children.
Have a conversation with your children... ask them 'What is love?' and 'How do you know I love you?'
It will be interesting to see what they say.
Happy Loving Parenting!
Yesterday as I was walking along the street in the mall area, I was walking near a Mother and her daughter aged about 4. They were holding hands, and the Mum looked at the little girl and said: “Every day when I spend time with you, my life gets better and better.” The daughter beamed a big smile to her Mum.
I said to the mother: “What a beautiful thing you just said to her - it’s such a positive message.’ And the Mum beamed back to me.
There are two things which are truly wonderful about the happening…..
The first is that the mother clearly cares deeply about her daughter and is taking steps to ensure that the daughter knows she is loved and valued, on a regularly basis. She told her daughter that this continues to happen each and every day – giving her daughter the message that their love and connection will continue, and that it is an important thing.
She also gave the little one the message her very presence improved her mother’s life – just by being there.
Imagine how valued she felt.
Imagine how special she felt.
Imagine how good she probably felt about herself!
Children’s sense of belonging and of being special is so important to their on-going development and attitude to life.
If we believe we are valued, we behave in certain ways.
If we believe we are not valued, we behave in quite different ways.
Obviously as adults we can choose to see our value and skills even if it’s not acknowledged by others, but little ones need our help to develop their own positive self-esteem and positive self-worth. This Mum has planted many positive seeds there to help her daughters growing sense of self.
There are many ways to foster this in children. One way is obviously by the words you use, such as this mother did. You can also say things like:
These statements all reinforce the great things about the child. Another way is by spending time playing with your little one, undistracted by the phone or TV – playing with blocks, toy cars, dolls or in the garden. This tells them that they are ‘worth’ playing with, because you chose to do it.
Touch is another way to help boost your child’s self- esteem… with High-5’s, pat on the back or a big hug.
When parents nurture their children in this way it helps to build positive identity. I don’t mean that you need to praise every tiny thing they do, but regular doses of appreciation is a healthy thing for them to receive.
We want children to believe in themselves, and on top of the above suggestions and benefits, another component is to help build resilience in children – ie the capacity to cope when things go wrong. When children feel good about themselves and have been encouraged to attempt things, then they are more likely to have a go at problem solving when a situation does arise.
The second thing which is wonderful about the 4 year old and her Mum was that when Mum said something positive, the daughter smiled. When I overheard this positive situation I commented positively and with a smile. Then, the mother smiled back at me. This is the great thing about smiles…. They can be easily passed on and on and on!
Happy Parenting!
How do you 'know' that your partner loves you? What is it he or she does which makes you know you are loved – that you really 'feel' it? Is it the way they look at you, or the way they touch you? Or maybe that they give you small gifts?
We've probably all had a partner in the past who was doing nice things for us, but we just didn't really feel 'loved'.... you know the one which you'd say to your friends: “He says he loves me, and he brings me flowers, but I just don't feel it's enough. I don't feel like he's the one.”
What's possibly happened here, is that 'he' didn't speak in your 'Love Language'. This term came from a book by Gary Chapman, called The Five Love Languages. In the book he says that we 'feel' loved in one of five different ways ie we will have a preferred Love Language. If our partner 'speaks' in that Love Language, we will feel loved. If they use another Love Language, we won't feel like we are loved.
I'll detail the five ways shortly, but this doesn't just relate to us as adults, it also has relevance for children......
Initially children need to receive love, in all five ways/ Languages in order to fill their emotional tanks. They need to receive love in many different ways to understand how love can be shown, and over time, they will develop their own preference of receiving love.
Does this mean you have to learn five actual Languages? .... no!
So what are the five Love Languages?
Words of Affection: When this is your preferred way, you'll love to be told: 'I love you', or 'You are wonderful' or 'I appreciate you'. The words might be spoken, or written or even texted. They are words of affection and encouragement, which affirm you.
Quality Time: This person will feel loved when you spend time with them, focussed on them – it could be playing together, listening to the child read, going on a walk to the child's favourite park. If this is you, you'll feel loved when your partner gives you their undivided attention, and you have one on one conversations.
Receiving Gifts: These children or adults feel loved when they receive special gifts – it doesn't have to be anything large, but it's special to them – it might be that you buy a type of fruit your child really enjoys, or a blue jumper, if blue is their current favourite colour! If it's a gift for their birthday, they'll especially enjoy it if it's beautifully wrapped, with a bow! As adults it might be a gift of your favourite perfume, or a magazine you like. The message is that the person took time to select something which they knew you would love.
Acts of Service: If this is your preferred Language, you will 'feel' loved when someone helps by washing your car, making you a cup of tea, or collecting your dry cleaning. For children, it might be that you help them with a job they need to do, or that you help them to pack their bag when they are running late for school.
Physical Touch: This can be in the form of hugs or kisses, sitting close together, and even fun wrestling. The gentle touch conveys the message to you that you are loved.
When we are showing love to your child (or another adult) we tend to do it using our preferred Language. For example: If I am a 'Words' person, I will tend to use 'Words of Affection' a lot to those around me. That's fine if they happen to also be a 'Words' person, but if they aren't they won't 'feel' the love. If they are a 'Touch' person, they need to have a hug or a pat to feel loved.
Practise all the Love Languages with your children, as they need them all!
Some will be easier for you to give than others. It's easy to give our preferred one, but the others might just need a bit of practise! When children are appropriately loved and receive these messages in a variety of ways, then they grow up with a strong emotional 'tank' – much like filling up a car with a tank of petrol. When our emotional tanks are full, we can handle what the world dishes out much easier!
As your children grow past the age of 5 years, it will be easier to ascertain their preferred Love Language, from what they give to others, or by listening to what they say to you eg 'Mummy can you play with me?' (Time); 'Dad can you help me to fix my bike?' (Acts of Service) or 'Can we buy some flowers for Grandma?' (Gifts)
Happy Love Languages!
I remember my mother talking to me as a child, about disagreements within the family - How sometimes my sisters and I would argue about something or other, and one of us would end up saying (like many 7 or 9 year olds): 'I'm not talking to you ever, ever again'! The 'injured' one would be lamenting to Mum about how mean or unfair our sister was, and after she'd soothed us, she would then say: “The sun comes up again tomorrow” - meaning that tomorrow was a new day, a fresh beginning.
When I was older, she talked about how she never went to bed without saying: “I love you to my Dad” - even if they'd had a disagreement – she refused to take the emotion of anger or hurt to sleep.
I was reminded of this last week, when I went to a Joan Baez concert – a folk singer from the 60 -70's who was performing in Hobart. One of the first songs she performed had a line it it which resonated for me.... it was: Every new day we have is another chance to get it right”. Now it could be many things... your relationship, an assignment you've been working on, or a handyman job you've been struggling with. I really like these sentiments as it's a reminder that indeed the 'sun does come up again tomorrow', that yesterdays situation is gone and today is a new opportunity to move forward, to get it right. This also has relevance to parenting and the relationships within our families....
It's important for us to move forwards from yesterday's stresses or woes; that we model that to our children; and that we teach them the process too.
We've all had those challenging days where it's one thing on top of another....
These are the days which really test us as parents, where we get to see what's really inside of us.... do we take a breath, calm down and deal with things one at a time, or do we explode, taking it out verbally on the children, the dog or the delivery guy who happens to turn up?
If you are the latter, then it really is an indication of overload, of the need to take time out for you. I know that can be hard to organise, but seriously if you don't there will just be more fire inside of you, which isn't good for you, or for the family. Arrange with family, friends, childcare or trusted neighbours to have your children for a few hours or even a whole day! Do something nice for yourself – a walk on the beach, a whole cup of hot coffee in a cafe, a bush walk, a swim, a bubble bath – anything which makes you sigh and say to yourself: Ahhh, this is good, I needed this'!
The benefits are amazing – not only will you feel fantastic, but you will come back to your 'day job' with a smile on your face again. This time off does not include an opportunity to catch up on housework.... that will not give you the same buzz!
Note that several of the things I suggested involved getting out into nature.... it is well known that a natural environment does wonders for us! It's the calming nature of the natural environment, of what you can see and smell there, as well as the 'grounding' effect. It's as if it recharges us!
When your children have had 'those' days, where everything seems to have gone wrong for them, and they are frustrated and angry... as parents we have the opportunity to teach our children how to handle theses sort of situations. Show them how taking a break and moving to a new activity can help. Show them how getting outside in the fresh air and going for a walk helps. Show them how to sit on a bush walk and breath in the forest smells helps – all very calming!
And, on the days when you've born the brunt of their tantrums and challenging behaviours, it's really important that your child goes to bed with a hug and kiss from you, and words similar to this..... 'Today was a really hard day for you. Mummy/Daddy loves you and I know that tomorrow is going to be a GREAT day!' – instill in your children the concept that 'tomorrow is another chance to get it right'... that the sun will come up again tomorrow!
Happy Sun-shiny Parenting!
We all know that children need food, clothing and shelter to 'survive', but besides the basic needs, how do we truly grow them into curious, strong, resilient children?
When your baby cries, s/he is telling you something – eg I'm hungry, I'm tired, I've have wind. As parents our response determines what message the child gets. For example if the baby cries because they are hungry, and you feed them, they learn that you will give them what they need. As you consistently do this, they learn that they can trust you to continue to meet their needs, and this is called building Secure Attachment. When you do this, it also creates new ways of understanding for the baby in his/her brain, ie new brain cells (known as neurons) are formed.
Consider a baby whose parent(s) don't consistently respond to their baby's cries for food. The parent may not be responding for many reasons – mental health issues, drug or alcohol issues, for example. This baby gets the message that I can't trust that people help to meet my needs. They learn that the world is unsafe and unreliable and they don't develop the neural pathways around trust.
I stress here that I'm not talking about the few times where you didn't immediately respond to the baby because you were feeding a toddler, or you were in the bathroom – I'm talking about consistently not attending to the child.
There are many ways you can respond to your child. We can group them together into 5 main categories, and children benefit from all of these parenting behaviours:
As parents we need to operate using all of these behaviours, using what is most needed now. Be aware of your individual strengths in these areas, and also which ones you might need a bit more practice at. Sometimes you can be lucky and between the two parents have a complete set!, or you can encourage each other to continue to grow in your parenting journey.
Happy Parenting!
Over the years of being a Parenting Consultant, I’ve spoken with may parents about what they see as their role, and what they want for their children. So many parents have said, that they want to be their child’s friend.
I believe that when you gave birth, you became a parent, and that is your role!
Over their lifetime, your children will (hopefully) have many friends – some short term, some long term, but they will only ever have you as parents – that is your role!
All children need parents to guide, teach and encourage them – and that is your role.
Let’s look at the components of parenting by looking at what a child needs:
'Love' Children need unconditional love – by that I mean, that they need to be loved just because they exist – not because they tidied their room, or because they got a good report card. As parents we value these behaviours or results, but they have nothing to do with love. Love is what you give someone, because they exist; because you smile when they are around; you enjoy their company; and you’d be sad without them in your life – that’s love! All children need this. Love comes in many forms: hugs and kisses, High- 5’s; telling them how special they are to you, smiling, and spending time together. Does this mean you always ‘like’ their behaviour – probably not when they hit their brother, or draw on the wall etc – but it’s the behaviour you don’t like! And, that’s where discipline comes in…
Discipline Parents need to discipline their children. The word discipline means ‘to teach’ – it’s not about punishing the child, it’s about showing them a different or better way of behaving or of doing something. It involves patience, compassion and time.
All children benefit from boundaries, structure and routines – it provides them with a trust in you and your ‘systems’, because the results are the same each time – ie they learn consistency. Children without these boundaries are often the children with difficulties, because they don’t know when to stop (the behaviour). It’s up to us parents to provide this.
To be Taught
We need to teach our children – we are their first and most important teachers. Look at what we teach our children in the first 3 years: words, play activities, colours, numbers, their name, how to use a potty, to feed themselves, to ask nicely, to say please and thank you, and so much more.
We also need to teach them, when they make mistakes or poor choices. Eg they draw on the wall. Yelling at them or smacking them won't teach them what to do next time (it just teaches them you are angry). It would be the same if I asked you to spell an unfamiliar word and when you got it wrong, I yelled at you! A better way would be to teach you how to spell it. One of your roles as a parent, is to not yell, but to show, or teach them!
Playtime with you Parents will say: He’s got a room full of toy, but he doesn’t play with them. If you (the parent) pull out the toy and engage with the child, they will want to play. This tells you, that you are their favourite one – not a toy! Playing together, regularly, is of huge benefit to your relationship with your child(ren)
To be Supported and Encouraged We need to encourage kids not just when they achieve a skill, but equally when they are working on a skill eg learning to feed themselves. Acknowledge their efforts and support them in continuing – and just watch their smiles and sense of pride develop!
As parents we need to give our children: our time, patience,
compassion, strength, consistency and love.
Happy Parenting!
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Image by Leonid Mamchenkov via Flickr
Controversial statement eh? Especially when Miss 4 has just cut the dogs hair, or Master 2 drew on the carpet with the texta or Miss 3 has put the car keys ‘somewhere’, when you need to leave now!
My statement still stands.
When children are misbehaving, it’s because they don’t know a better way to do it ie to use scissors ‘properly’ or that textas are for use on paper only.
I hear a lot of you saying: ‘Yes, s/he does know that! I’ve told her before!’
Let’s look at it from another angle– Let’s say that you are learning how to sew for the first time on sewing machine. If you were new to it, would you know how to thread the machine the correct way? Would you know how to lower the ‘foot’ ready to sew. As a beginner, probably not. You need a good instructor to show you, who then allows you to practise multiple times, knowing that you are bound to ‘forget’ and probably make quite a few botched jobs. And then, even when you are a bit better, every so often you’ll still make a mistake – eg you start to sew before you’ve put the fabric in properly.
Children are just the same. They don’t get it right the first time, and once they’ve mastered something reasonably well, it doesn’t mean that they will never make an error!
So when your children behaves poorly, this is when they most need you…
Eg “Kelsey, I can see you’ve used the scissors to cut Jaspers' hair (the dog). We don’t cut Jaspers hair, he likes it long to stay warm. You can cut paper from the tray, like we’ve spoken about.”
This is all done without shouting. Yes, you’re probably annoyed that Jasper looks odd now, and yes, you’ve told her before what scissors are for. And yet from Kelsey's perspective, she saw an opportunity to explore a new possibility – that she could cut Jasper’s hair. Speaking to her this way, will treat her respectfully, make it clear it is not okay, and importantly show or tell her what she can do instead. And the consequence is that you’d get Kelsey to clean up the mess. Our job as parents is to teach them how to do it properly when they behave poorly, not to punish them eg by yelling at them. Would you want me to yell at you when you botched the sewing job… even though I did explain it 3 times?
Another reason children misbehave, it that they are naturally curious – there is just soooo much to explore in this exciting world and yes that may include cutting the dog’s hair! What children are about, is exploration, curiosity and opportunity… the scissors were there (possibly on the bench where you left them) and the dog was lying there so still…..it just reeks of possibility!
Have you noticed that your children’s poor behaviour is ‘worse’ at certain times? Children will often misbehave, when they haven’t been getting enough of your attention. All children want our attention (ie to play with them or take them for a walk) and when we’ve been ‘too busy’ to spend that positive time with them, that’s often when children misbehave…. Because when they hit their brother, or make a mess, we will be there promptly dealing with it. They get the attention they desire, even if it’s negative attention! When you give children your undivided attention regularly, then poor behaviour decreases markedly. Give it a go… give them several 10 minute blocks of your time, to play lego, do some colouring-in or kick the ball around with them – you’ll be impressed with the change in overall behaviour – isn’t that worth 10 minutes of your time?
Let’s teach our children respectfully – that’s what good discipline is about!