Many parents I work with have a hectic schedule of appointments and activities which are fitted in and around work and home duties. These appointments and activities include things such as dental or hair appointments and sporting or cultural activities such a soccer, kindy gym or ballet classes.

Many parents want to give their children the best possible start in life and provide them with more opportunities than they themselves had, believing that these things will lead to more educated, healthy and well-rounded children. I admire their goals, dedication and commitment to getting the child to these classes.

Raising healthy, well-rounded children is so much more than just this.

One critical thing is the importance of ‘Together Time.’

Generally, when we take our children to music, dance or martial arts classes we hand our children across to a teacher or coach, and we, the parents, become spectators. And whilst there is nothing wrong at all with that, it is vitally important that children get time engaged with us.

If you have school aged children or if you are working and the children are in care, then Together Time during the week might be eating dinner together, or reading bed time stories, or helping them with their homework. On the weekend there are so many options:

Going to the beach

Going on a picnic

Going on a bicycle ride around your neighbourhood

Going to the movies

Planting out a vegetable garden,

Spend time in the backyard, mowing the lawn, weeding the garden, and watering it

Painting the paling fence together

Playing card or board games

Going on a bush walk

Go camping for the weekend or

Pitch a tent in the backyard and sleep the night in it

Make a fire in a pit and toast marshmallows on a stick

Playing cricket

Visiting a local play ground

Going to the zoo

Going to a museum

Having a baking day at home

When you join together as a family and all participate in an activity, you are not only having fun together, but are also giving your children some valuable messages – some of these are spoken messages and some unspoken, but all are equally important. The messages might be:

We are a family

You are part of the family

We support and help each other

We encourage each other

We enjoy spending time together.

We can have fun together

We can work together to achieve something or a goal

You are important

I (the parent) like and choose to spend time with you

We might be busy but we make time for family

We regularly spend Together Time

‘Together Time’ might be family time as above, or it may be 1:1 time with one parent and one child. Again, it’s about spending quality time with the child engaged in an activity which they are interested in. It may be spending time with them ‘servicing’ their bicycle and showing them how to check the tyre pressure or how to grease the chain; or if they love cooking it could be showing them how to make a batch of scones; or if they love dinosaurs, it could be taking them to the museum.

Whether it’s Family Together Time or 1:1 Together Time, it is about connecting with the child/ren. No phones, no telly to interrupt you -  just focused time.

Think back to a time when you felt someone was really ‘there’ for you, when they were attentive and present, and how good that felt. Conversely you might recall a time when you were with someone but they weren’t really attentive – it didn’t feel like you were important to them.

We want out children to grow up feeling they matter, and Together Time is one special way of doing that.

Can you make Saturday afternoons Together Time?

How can you give your children and yourself the gift of Together Time this week?

Happy Together Time!

I had a mini-holiday recently, in a beautiful little seaside town. Daily I would walk to the beach, to absorb the sunshine and heat, as well as hear the sounds of the waves crashing, and the smell the scent of the sea and the bush surrounds.

On the beach were so many families from India, Asian, the Middle East and Anglos. There were Mums with kids, families with cousins & Grandparents, group of friends, surfers, and couples walking hand in hand.

What they all had in common, was a day of fun. There were so many smiles and the sound of laughter, and it was wonderful to participate in this event.

It made me reflect on all the amazing messages which were intentionally and unintentionally being shared with the children present.

They were messages about:

• Family – having fun together, and the different combinations of people which make up our families.
• Play – having fun together through walking, swimming, playing cricket or footie, building sandcastles, cooking and eating.
• Water – the power of the water, the sound of the crashing waves, the ability to stem the flow of water from a small stream by building a ‘dam’ wall of sand, and then breaking the wall to allow it to flow again, into the ocean.
• Beach safety – holding hands with the young children as they jump the waves, and seeing the presence of the Lifesavers and understanding what they do.
• Nature – appreciating the beauty of the place – the beach, the sand, the bush approaches, and the tended picnic grounds.
• Language – children heard the different languages of the the cultures present, realising that there is more than one way to speak.
• Sharing – sharing the ball, the games, the space, the food and the picnic tables.
• Taking ‘risks’ – showing younger children how to traverse the rocks, or jump across the small stream, to ‘dare’ to get your clothes wet whilst exploring the waters edge. Watching the older adults who safely surf or parasail.
• Rubbish – ensuring that your rubbish is taken away or placed in the bins – as well as many collecting any stray pieces which have blown there.
• Hygiene – re-inforcing washing your hands after using the public toilets or after collecting the rubbish.
• Exercise – participating in running, climbing, walking or swimming. Watching the people surfing or parasailing, with the idea that when the children are older that they can join in. Noticing that people exercising are having fun!
• Humanitarianism – the ethnicity of people wasn’t relevant….. everyone shared the space equally and enjoyed all it had to offer.
• Shared work – after a fun day, there are sand toys and bags to carry back to the car, and then unpacked and cleaned at home.

So many amazing lessons on the beach – many of them unspoken messages, but equally absorbed by the children.

We expose our child to these sort of spoken and subtle messages whichever environment they are in – be it the beach, the supermarket or movie theatre. It helps children to learn the ‘rules’ of their environments and our society, through us as parents, and by the others who use the same space.

Happy learning one and all!

I hadn't been interstate to visit my Step-Dad for a while, and I finally made it last weekend. It was so good to catch up with him, and to be back in the family home, sleeping in my old bedroom.

It's funny how when you go home after a long time that you both notice the changes and the familiar. By changes I mean things like furniture that's been moved, new china or freshly painted walls – they stand out, and make the place feel somewhat different, a little less familiar.

You also notice the things which are the same – your teenage bedcovers, the board games in the cupboard and the ticking clock... they all remind you that this is 'home'.

There are so many memories tied up in your family home. I know not everyone has had a good experience of childhood and home, however I was blessed to have a wonderful Mum and Step-Dad, and I remember fun family times both whilst I was living there, and also when I first left home and came back for meals! Oh the memories tied up in that kitchen, over the pots and pans and dirty dishes, or around the table eating food cooked with love.

My mother was bought up with the importance of both nutritional food, and that it be beautifully presented. Our meals were always at the table, with a cloth on, with the food on serving plates and dishes for you to serve the food yourself. We had fabric serviettes, and were expected to know to properly set the table. With us all around the table, there would be much talk and sharing about the day. That table heard many stories!

Now Mum has passed away, but the family times are memories which will stay!

Another thing I really noticed being 'home' again, was the bird song. In my own home neighbourhood there aren't many tall trees, but lots of small trees and bushes, and so we get small birds, with soft, sweet chirping sounds. At Dad's, they are surrounded by old forest, and so they get larger birds with louder voices. From early morning I could hear the stirring tweets as the forest woke up, with an increase in volume as the sky lightened and the sun rose.... a cacophony of cockatoos and galahs screeching and kookaburras laughing. It was very much the sounds of my old neighbourhood, and very special.

It got me thinking about the grounding we get as children from our families – the messages both spoken and unspoken about family values, about behaviour, expectations, and belief systems as to how things 'ought' to be done. As I've written about before, children are like sponges – they absorb all that we say and do, including those values and beliefs. Much of how you operate now as an adult stems from the messages you picked up as a children. Sometimes we replicate the same behaviours without a thought – we just do it. We generally continue to do the same actions and responses until, or if, someone challenges us - then we have to think about it. This often happens when we partner up with someone whose childhood messages were quite different from ours and this may cause 'discussions' or arguments!

Being home reminds me of all the good things I wanted to share with my children, and a few I chose to do differently.

What messages, values , behaviours and beliefs are you instilling in your child?

Happy Parenting!

So want do you say to yourself at this time?

• Yahhhh I love Christmas;
• It’s so expensive;
• I can’t want for it to be over;
• I love watching the kids faces on Christmas morning;
• Family disagreements – no thanks;
• I love family get togethers, especially Christmas;
• I love the excitement and special treats.

Which ever sentiments you have about Christmas, the reality is it is approaching fast! What can we do to make it a pleasant, positive experience for children and families? Here’s some ideas…

Craft with Children: Have some special Christmas rituals. Many families have trees and decorations, but what about making your own cards with the children, or getting them to paint wrapping paper – use a roll of brown ‘lunch’ wrap, and give them red and green paint to create with.

Include the children: Get them to help select gifts for different people: “Do you think Aunty Sue would like the green socks or the yellow ones? (within your budget of course!). Let the children help to put up the decorations – we know that it might not be ‘perfect’ but in allowing our children to help, we make them feel valued.

Get them cooking: This is a great time to get in the kitchen and cook some biscuits and slices to give away or eat yourself – a gingerbread mix and cookie cutters are great! One year my children and I cut out ‘labels’ (or gift tags) from gingerbread mix, poking a hole in it for the ribbon, and when baked, piped on people’s names with icing sugar – they were very popular.

Shopping: As it gets closer to Christmas, and the shops are busier, aim to shop early, before it’s too crowded – we know that young children don’t have the patience to wait in those long queues. If you do need to go at that time, make sure they’ve eaten, had a drink, and been to the toilet, to minimise stress all round.

Gifts: Over the years, I’ve noticed a growing trend amongst parents, to give their children everything they ‘want’. Children are encouraged to tell Santa what they want for Christmas, and it’s often tied to ‘being good’. You and I know that we will give our children gifts, even if they haven’t been well-behaved; so it’s probably unwise to use this as a ploy for good behaviour. In a similar vein, avoid using Santa as a threat eg “You better not do that again, because then Santa won’t come” – you and I know ‘he’ will! By all means encourage your children to be well behaved, but without idle threats. Christmas doesn’t need to send you bankrupt – maybe one main gift for the children and then smaller items. It’s important for developing children to learn that they can’t expect to receive everything they ask for. It doesn’t happen to us as adults - because if it did, I would have a red Ferrari in the drive-way!

Generosity: I’ve heard of parents doing this, and I love the idea. Each year in November,they encourage the children to sort through their toys and books, and to give some away to less fortunate children. They select toys which are still in good condition, but which they’ve outgrown, and give them to local charities. I believe it’s important for children to learn generosity, and it’s starts with the parents modelling, and with encouragement. 

Gratitude: In this vein also, encourage your children to say a clear thank you to those who give them gifts – the art of gratitude. We know small children (under 5) are ego-centric – they are ‘me’ focusssed. However you can still encourage gratitude. 

Sleep: Ensure that the children get a good nights sleep, particularly in the last few days before Christmas, so that they (and you!) can enjoy the next day.

Happy Parenting! Sonja