Over the years of being a Parenting Consultant, I’ve spoken with may parents about what they see as their role, and what they want for their children. So many parents have said, that they want to be their child’s friend.

I believe that when you gave birth, you became a parent, and that is your role!

Over their lifetime, your children will (hopefully) have many friends – some short term, some long term, but they will only ever have you as parents – that is your role!

All children need parents to guide, teach and encourage them – and that is your role.

Let’s look at the components of parenting by looking at what a child needs:

'Love'  Children need unconditional love – by that I mean, that they need to be loved just because they exist – not because they tidied their room, or because they got a good report card. As parents we value these behaviours or results, but they have nothing to do with love. Love is what you give someone, because they exist; because you smile when they are around; you enjoy their company; and you’d be sad without them in your life – that’s love! All children need this. Love comes in many forms: hugs and kisses, High- 5’s; telling them how special they are to you, smiling, and spending time together. Does this mean you always ‘like’ their behaviour – probably not when they hit their brother, or draw on the wall etc – but it’s the behaviour you don’t like! And, that’s where discipline comes in…

Discipline Parents need to discipline their children. The word discipline means ‘to teach’ – it’s not about punishing the child, it’s about showing them a different or better way of behaving or of doing something. It involves patience, compassion and time.

All children benefit from boundaries, structure and routines – it provides them with a trust in you and your ‘systems’, because the results are the same each time – ie they learn consistency. Children without these boundaries are often the children with difficulties, because they don’t know when to stop (the behaviour). It’s up to us parents to provide this.

To be Taught
We need to teach our children – we are their first and most important teachers. Look at what we teach our children in the first 3 years: words, play activities, colours, numbers, their name, how to use a potty, to feed themselves, to ask nicely, to say please and thank you, and so much more.

We also need to teach them, when they make mistakes or poor choices. Eg they draw on the wall. Yelling at them or smacking them won't teach them what to do next time (it just teaches them you are angry). It would be the same if I asked you to spell an unfamiliar word and when you got it wrong, I yelled at you! A better way would be to teach you how to spell it. One of your roles as a parent, is to not yell, but to show, or teach them!

Playtime with you Parents will say: He’s got a room full of toy, but he doesn’t play with them. If you (the parent) pull out the toy and engage with the child, they will want to play. This tells you, that you are their favourite one – not a toy! Playing together, regularly, is of huge benefit to your relationship with your child(ren)

To be Supported and Encouraged We need to encourage kids not just when they achieve a skill, but equally when they are working on a skill eg learning to feed themselves. Acknowledge their efforts and support them in continuing – and just watch their smiles and sense of pride develop!

As parents we need to give our children: our time, patience,

compassion, strength, consistency and love.

Happy Parenting!

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Image by Leonid Mamchenkov via Flickr

Controversial statement eh? Especially when Miss 4 has just cut the dogs hair, or Master 2 drew on the carpet with the texta or Miss 3 has put the car keys ‘somewhere’, when you need to leave now!

My statement still stands.

When children are misbehaving, it’s because they don’t know a better way to do it ie to use scissors ‘properly’ or that textas are for use on paper only.

I hear a lot of you saying: ‘Yes, s/he does know that! I’ve told her before!’

Let’s look at it from another angle– Let’s say that you are learning how to sew for the first time on sewing machine. If you were new to it, would you know how to thread the machine the correct way? Would you know how to lower the ‘foot’ ready to sew. As a beginner, probably not. You need a good instructor to show you, who then allows you to practise multiple times, knowing that you are bound to ‘forget’ and probably make quite a few botched jobs. And then, even when you are a bit better, every so often you’ll still make a mistake – eg you start to sew before you’ve put the fabric in properly.

Children are just the same. They don’t get it right the first time, and once they’ve mastered something reasonably well, it doesn’t mean that they will never make an error!

So when your children behaves poorly, this is when they most need you…

• to be understanding (as to why they did it);
• to tell them that was not the best way to act, AND;
• to help them work out how to do it differently next time.

Eg “Kelsey, I can see you’ve used the scissors to cut Jaspers' hair (the dog). We don’t cut Jaspers hair, he likes it long to stay warm. You can cut paper from the tray, like we’ve spoken about.”

This is all done without shouting. Yes, you’re probably annoyed that Jasper looks odd now, and yes, you’ve told her before what scissors are for. And yet from Kelsey's perspective, she saw an opportunity to explore a new possibility – that she could cut Jasper’s hair. Speaking to her this way, will treat her respectfully, make it clear it is not okay, and importantly show or tell her what she can do instead. And the consequence is that you’d get Kelsey to clean up the mess. Our job as parents is to teach them how to do it properly when they behave poorly, not to punish them eg by yelling at them. Would you want me to yell at you when you botched the sewing job… even though I did explain it 3 times?

Another reason children misbehave, it that they are naturally curious – there is just soooo much to explore in this exciting world and yes that may include cutting the dog’s hair! What children are about, is exploration, curiosity and opportunity… the scissors were there (possibly on the bench where you left them) and the dog was lying there so still…..it just reeks of possibility!

Have you noticed that your children’s poor behaviour is ‘worse’ at certain times? Children will often misbehave, when they haven’t been getting enough of your attention. All children want our attention (ie to play with them or take them for a walk) and when we’ve been ‘too busy’ to spend that positive time with them, that’s often when children misbehave…. Because when they hit their brother, or make a mess, we will be there promptly dealing with it. They get the attention they desire, even if it’s negative attention! When you give children your undivided attention regularly, then poor behaviour decreases markedly. Give it a go… give them several 10 minute blocks of your time, to play lego, do some colouring-in or kick the ball around with them – you’ll be impressed with the change in overall behaviour – isn’t that worth 10 minutes of your time?

Let’s teach our children respectfully – that’s what good discipline is about!