You often hear grandparents, or parents of older children say: ‘I can’t believe my daughter turns 32 in September’ or, ‘I can’t believe he’s going to be a teenager next week’; and it’s usually followed up with: ‘It’s all gone so fast, it seems like only yesterday they were starting school.’
These parents have noticed how quickly the time passes.
Yet when you’re a parent to an active 6 year old, or a 2 year old who has spent the day having tantrums, the time (till bed-time) seems to pass so s-l-o-w-l-y!
There’s a lot of fun to be had with babies and young children – hugging and smiling, reading books, playing with playdough, building towers, and ‘magic’ things like blowing bubbles or lying on the grass watching the clouds pass by. When this is happening, it’s such a beautiful feeling, and we are strengthening the bonds with our child/ren.
And then there’s the days where parenting feels like one hard slog! The toddler didn’t sleep well because they were teething, and the 4 year old is just in a cranky mood, the milk gets spilt, nobody wants to pick up the toys, and it’s raining for the third day in a row. I’m sure you’ve all had those days, where you keep glancing at the clock, willing it to go faster so it’s 7 pm and time for bed. These are when the days seem to last forever!
The reality is that those challenging days and the happy, smiling ones are all part of the parenthood journey (and the child’s journey too).
Parenting is a job, with emotion ties. When you work as a cleaner, or teacher, or mechanic, we do our work, and we get paid. When we work as parents – caring, teaching, loving, cleaning, driving etc the ‘pay’ comes in the form of emotional connection with your child – and some days there seems to be more (or less) of the pay!
So how do we enjoy this time before we are the ones saying: “I can’t believe he’s 10 already’?
The key is to enjoy the moment!
If it’s raining, put on rain coats and have a puddle splash time!
If they are in a cranky mood, remind yourself: ‘It’s not easy being two.’
If you are in a baking mood, get your 3 y.o to help stir, and if some of the mixture ends up on the floor, show them how to clean it up, rather than getting cranky.
If they ask you to ‘watch this Mummy’ as they show you something – really watch them – enjoy the moment.
If the baby is crying, think about how hard it is for them, when you can’t understand exactly what they need.
The more often we connect with out children, the more we can weather the storms on those tough days.
The reality is that even when children are being challenging, they are still loveable! If you doubt that statement… think about a life without them – that’s really hard to imagine, isn’t it? So often when you put that child to bed and they are asleep, we look at them again with love (whilst saying a silent ‘thank-you’ prayer that they are asleep!)
Being a parent gives you a chance to create a second childhood for yourself! Make it a magical one for you and your child, by having fun together and really enjoying this amazing person you helped to create, and whom you have the opportunity to share your wisdom with!
I remember my mother talking to me as a child, about disagreements within the family - How sometimes my sisters and I would argue about something or other, and one of us would end up saying (like many 7 or 9 year olds): 'I'm not talking to you ever, ever again'! The 'injured' one would be lamenting to Mum about how mean or unfair our sister was, and after she'd soothed us, she would then say: “The sun comes up again tomorrow” - meaning that tomorrow was a new day, a fresh beginning.
When I was older, she talked about how she never went to bed without saying: “I love you to my Dad” - even if they'd had a disagreement – she refused to take the emotion of anger or hurt to sleep.
I was reminded of this last week, when I went to a Joan Baez concert – a folk singer from the 60 -70's who was performing in Hobart. One of the first songs she performed had a line it it which resonated for me.... it was: Every new day we have is another chance to get it right”. Now it could be many things... your relationship, an assignment you've been working on, or a handyman job you've been struggling with. I really like these sentiments as it's a reminder that indeed the 'sun does come up again tomorrow', that yesterdays situation is gone and today is a new opportunity to move forward, to get it right. This also has relevance to parenting and the relationships within our families....
It's important for us to move forwards from yesterday's stresses or woes; that we model that to our children; and that we teach them the process too.
We've all had those challenging days where it's one thing on top of another....
These are the days which really test us as parents, where we get to see what's really inside of us.... do we take a breath, calm down and deal with things one at a time, or do we explode, taking it out verbally on the children, the dog or the delivery guy who happens to turn up?
If you are the latter, then it really is an indication of overload, of the need to take time out for you. I know that can be hard to organise, but seriously if you don't there will just be more fire inside of you, which isn't good for you, or for the family. Arrange with family, friends, childcare or trusted neighbours to have your children for a few hours or even a whole day! Do something nice for yourself – a walk on the beach, a whole cup of hot coffee in a cafe, a bush walk, a swim, a bubble bath – anything which makes you sigh and say to yourself: Ahhh, this is good, I needed this'!
The benefits are amazing – not only will you feel fantastic, but you will come back to your 'day job' with a smile on your face again. This time off does not include an opportunity to catch up on housework.... that will not give you the same buzz!
Note that several of the things I suggested involved getting out into nature.... it is well known that a natural environment does wonders for us! It's the calming nature of the natural environment, of what you can see and smell there, as well as the 'grounding' effect. It's as if it recharges us!
When your children have had 'those' days, where everything seems to have gone wrong for them, and they are frustrated and angry... as parents we have the opportunity to teach our children how to handle theses sort of situations. Show them how taking a break and moving to a new activity can help. Show them how getting outside in the fresh air and going for a walk helps. Show them how to sit on a bush walk and breath in the forest smells helps – all very calming!
And, on the days when you've born the brunt of their tantrums and challenging behaviours, it's really important that your child goes to bed with a hug and kiss from you, and words similar to this..... 'Today was a really hard day for you. Mummy/Daddy loves you and I know that tomorrow is going to be a GREAT day!' – instill in your children the concept that 'tomorrow is another chance to get it right'... that the sun will come up again tomorrow!
Happy Sun-shiny Parenting!