I recently had a trip overseas to see my family in Denmark. While I was there, I was away from the busy-ness of my daily life and so had more time to relax and think.
Flying gives me great pleasure – I get excited just like a child – the thrill of taxiing down the runway, and the glee when the plane lifts and soars above the ground – I sit there, almost grinning like the Cheshire Cat in ‘Alice in Wonderful’.
The next day I’m lying on the grass in my sister, Anita’s backyard, in the sunshine with my niece, gazing through the dappled light of the giant tree at the moving clouds. I felt grateful and blessed to be there, for Cecilie’s company (I only see her every 4-5 years), for the sun when it was mid-winter back home in Tasmania, for being able to laze about instead of working, for the fact I had enough money to take such a trip, and for the joy of being with family again – so many things to be grateful for!
I believe that in every day there are things to be grateful for, and that it’s important to notice them.
What happens when we notice and appreciate these little things, is that we become better at noticing even more of them. Gratitude is a bit like a muscle – the more we use it (noticing and appreciating things) the stronger it gets, and our capacity to see more grows. The same happens when we focus on what’s wrong - we become better at finding more problems or issues – we’ve exercised our ‘problems’ muscle! I know which one I’d rather be stronger in!
Does this mean that we never experience problems – of course not! We will still have things like a child who has just spilt a litre of milk on the floor, or it starts raining when the washing is out, or that you get a big phone bill. These experiences are called ‘life’ and we all go through it, as your children will. When these things happen (the milk, the rain, the bill) we can either dwell on the problem by ranting or yelling or complaining, or we can choose to work on solving the problem instead, with an attitude of ‘what can I do to make this better’. It switches the whole focus from problem to solution! In the heat of the moment it may not feel like there’s anything to be grateful for, but on reflection… maybe you can see that the toddler is learning to pour better, and that the rain is helping the flowers to grow, and that the phone bill means you have lots of friends to talk with! How we choose to see our world is up to us!
Have you ever used a Gratitude Jar? Take a large glass jar and put a label “Gratitude Jar 2014” on it. Each night before bed on a small piece on paper, write down at least one thing you are grateful for, fold it up and place it in the jar. Do this every night. You’ll soon see that there are many things to be grateful for in your life. Yes, even when you are going through times. When I had breast cancer 5 years ago, it was a really had time, with surgery, chemotherapy, radiation etc. Yet, there were still so many things to be grateful for: the skill of the doctors, the caring nurses, the drugs available now, the family who supported me, the flowers I received, the sun shine, the food prepared, the wind in my hair - oh no, I didn’t have that! – so it was laughter instead – soooo much to be grateful for!
What would you put in your Gratitude Jar today? – thanks for the sunshine; my smiling children, my sleeping baby, the food I’m preparing for lunch, the fact I can pay my phone bill, I have warm clothes for my toddler, the feel of clean sheets or freshly brushed teeth, the taste of strawberries, the perfume my mother wears, the memory of my Grandpa etc etc
What an important gift to share with your children – to look at the world with thanks!
Happy (grateful) parenting!
Did you know, that when a baby is born, his brain is ½ the size of an adult brain? By the time he is 3 years old, his brain has grown to 80% size of an adult brain. This is incredible growth, in just 3 years.
How does the brain work, and how can we foster this development?
Within the brain are billions of nerve cells, known as neurons. The neurons have to connect with other brain cells in order to work. Some of these connections are present from birth – for example, the ability to breathe, to suck, to cry, and others occur as the baby grows and develops. The connections occur when experiences or skills are repeated over and over.
For example you don’t learn how to fly a plane with just one lesson – you need multiple opportunities to practise in order to be competent. Babies are the same - in order to learn to walk, or stack blocks or feed themselves – it doesn’t happen with just one instruction from us. This is why a young baby will drop toys (or food!) over the high chair repeatedly. Parents often think that the child doesn’t want the object. What the baby is learning, is when I drop this book, it goes bang, and when I do it again, it still goes bang. When I drop the orange it rolls away, sometimes it rolls left, sometimes right… they are looking to make the connection (in their brain) between action and response. Once they’ve dropped the book often enough, then they no longer need to do it, because they know it will go bang.
Whilst our skulls are hard, the brain within is fragile, and like glass, it can be easily damaged. This is why we need to ensure proper care of the brain, especially in the early months, when baby’s neck muscles are not yet strong, and they struggle to hold up that heavy head. Babies should never be shaken, as their fragile brain bangs against the inside of the skull and can lead to death or serious permanent damage of the brain and it’s function.
We also need to protect babies and children’s brains, by ensuring that they are securely placed in car seats, and later, wear helmets whilst bicycling.
Brain development is also fostered by diet. In order for those connections (known as synapses) to be strong in the brain, they need a protective coating of myelin. The myelin coating enables the brain cells to function more efficiently. Myelin occurs naturally in breast milk, and is added to formula milk. For this reason, formula milk should always be made up according to the directions (not diluted), to ensure the baby receives the correct amount of myelin.
Another thing which fosters healthy brain development, is to limit screen time. It is well documented, that TV, because of the fast moving images, affects the developing neural pathways. When these babies grow, they seem to require constant activity as they’ve grown to see this activity as the norm. Many Paediatric services now recommend no screen time before the age of 2 years of age, and less than 2hrs per day for ages 2+, due to the effects on the developing brain. I hear your shock…. what will I do with them? Think back to your childhood – more walks in the park, or playing in the backyard, digging in the garden, cooking with Grandma, craft work, collecting leaves and snails etc.
It does make you wonder, doesn’t it, with the huge increase in children on medication for ADHD, the children who have poor social skills and the children who have no impulse control, which we’ve seen increase dramatically over the past 20 years, since we have had more screens in the household – be they TV, DVD, computer, X-box etc – makes you wonder….
Being a parent is a huge responsibility, which includes, as far as possible, doing everything we can do to nurture that precious developing brain.
Happy Parenting!
Music for babies begins when you first coo to them, or when you are rocking them to sleep whilst humming, or singing a quiet, gentle lullaby. Babies have even heard your music in utereo, including the ‘music’ of your beating heart!
Parents often sing little songs or rhymes to them whilst changing their nappy or bathing them – reciting ‘This little piggy went to market’ or entertaining a young child with ‘Round and round the garden’, on their hand. Music is such a great connecting mechanism between the parent and child. Music provides comfort, familiarity, physical closeness, anticipation and often laughter.
There are four components to music: singing, listening, dancing and playing.
Here’s how you can help your child to learn….
Singing: Sing lullabies eg ‘Rock-a Bye Baby’ or ‘Mockingbird’ and nursery rhymes such as ‘Twinkle, Twinkle little Star’, or ‘Baa, Baa, Black Sheep’. Include the actions, and even young babies will start to really watch your movements and your excitement, and will soon join in for some of the actions, and maybe part of the words. Toddlers love songs such as ‘Old MacDonald’ where they play an active role in choosing the next animal, and joining in for the chorus.
Listening: This is such an important skill to teach our children. Children may hear you, but may not always listen! We start to teach our babies to listen by using our voice expressively when we greet them, or are talking with them. We give them rattles to shake, and bells which ring. Often we have music in the house and children get to hear what is playing. Take care that the volume is not too loud for them. We also encourage listening by sometimes having both the TV and the music off, and then pointing out the sound of the birds chirping outside, or the distant sound of the postmans’ bike approaching. This really encourages the child to tune in to the sound(s).
When you play music, play a variety…. It can be anything from children’s music to Mozart! By listening to different styles children get to hear the instruments, rhythms and beat.
Read books with rhyming verse and repeated phrases as it encourages participation with it’s rhythm.
Dancing: I remember clearly as a 6 year old, standing on my Daddy’s feet, while he ‘danced’ me around the room, while he sang "You are my sunshine" – such a beautiful memory. Dance with your children, both by holding them on your hip as a baby or toddler, or on your feet with older children. Later dance along side with them, and show them some of your best moves! Have fun doing this – you are creating memories. Let the child choose which music they’d like to play, and what type of dancing is going to be best here.
Playing: Playing musical instruments is such fun! It’s great to have ‘proper’ ones, but you can start off by making simple musical instruments yourself. Fill empty, clean plastic take-away containers with a variety of items – dried beans in one, raw rice in another, cotton tips in another one. Place the lids on and use strong tape to seal them (small items can be a choking hazard). Show your child how to shake them and talk about the loud and soft sounds. Two empty cardboard rolls (from lunchwrap) can be used as tapping sticks, and a wooden spoon and empty plastic container upside-down makes a great drum! You can also use a metal saucepan - but this is only recommended if you can cope with the volume! Sing songs with your child, and play along on the instruments you created together.
Happy musical parenting!
For a long time now we’ve known the valuable role that mothers play in the development of children, through nurturing and play.
Research also acknowledges the powerful role which Dads play in the family dynamics generally, and in the long term well-being of their children.
The best gift a Dad can give his kids, is his time!
Being a Dad is probably the most important job you’ll ever do. The way you interact and behave with your children will have a huge impact on them – what they do, how they feel about themselves and how they turn out - both now, and down the track. As with anything that is important to you, being a great Dad requires time, energy and effort!
When fathers are actively (and positively) engaged in their children’s lives, the benefits are tremendous. It’s been shown that:
Every Dad needs encouragement from family and friends – especially from the mother of the child. This includes:
A lot of people still feel that parenting means 'by mothers...
Image that a (well intentioned) Mum insists on being the one who knows best how to change a nappy, or settle a child to sleep, or to feed them. That Mum does become an 'expert' because she gets to practice her skills regularly. If the Dad is discouraged from helping he doesn't get the chance to develop his parenting skills. Now, imagine if something happened to Mum, where she needed to go to hospital for a day or two, for example. The baby/ toddler would then be cared for by Dad. This child has only experienced the way Mum feeds him, changes him, holds him etc and so not only is the child stressed because Mum is absent, the baby/ toddler is also distressed because Dad does things differently to the way the baby/ toddler is used to.
It's really important, and beneficial to a child to experience the slightly different ways that parent work with them, and to learn that both parents can care for me (the baby/ toddler)
Enjoy your special role Dads, and .... Mums – encourage and acknowledge all the great work they do.
When a child has the important adults in a strong parenting role, the benefits are huge!
Happy Fathers Day!
There was once a group of tiny frogs, who arranged a competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very tall water tower. A big crowd gathered around to see the race, and to cheer on the contestants. The race began…
Honestly, no-one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You could hear statements such as: “Oh it’s way too difficult. They will never make it to the top.” And “Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high”.
Some tiny frogs began collapsing off the wall, one by one.
A few others had a fresh burst of energy and were climbing higher and higher… The crowd continued to yell: “It’s too difficulty! No-one will make it!” Gradually more tiny frogs got tired of the effort and gave up.
But there was one who wouldn’t give up and continued higher and higher until finally he reached the top.
(more…)Hearing is an important and necessary part of speech development. Babies are now given a hearing test at birth, as if there are any difficulties they are detected early so that measures can be taken to optimise the development of language and speech.
As with most development, it is an on-going process. So what can your baby hear at different ages?
In the first few weeks after birth, babies have a strong startle reflex – responding to bright lights and sudden noise. They jerk as a result, with both their arms and legs. Surprisingly they start to make simple sounds like 'owh' and 'eh'. This indicates a particular needs such as tiredness and wind. You can read more about this and how to interpret their sounds in a previous article I've written about the Dunstan Baby Language https://theparentingcafe.com.au/the-5-words-your-newborn-says/
They will respond to sounds, without understanding where they come from, and they love to hear your voice, which is a familiar sound from in utero!
From 6 weeks to 3 ½ months babies will start to turn in the direction of sounds they hear, and they will 'know' your voice and may show excitement when you speak, by smiling at you, or 'talking' to you.
From this very early age they are learning about conversation, and you may notice that when you speak to them, and then stop, they will often 'talk' back to you and wait for you to respond - simply amazing!
From 3 ½ – 5 ½ months you'll notice how they react to a variety of sounds and voices. Babies will often respond to their name, so make sure you use it in your talking with them. They often enjoy toys which make gentle sounds like rattles or soft music. When you sing with your baby and do actions to the song, you'll notice that your baby may attempt to do an action when they recognise the song eg moving hands when you sing 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star'. Babies brains are also starting to recognise often repeated words.
At 5 ½ – 8 months they repeat simple sounds like 'ba-ba' or 'da-da' At this stage 'da-da' doesn't mean Dad, it is a sound that they have learnt to say, and 'b' and 'd' are often the first sounds they are able to master. They are starting to make associations with the words you often say eg bottle, bed, book. Interestingly too, babies are able to store the sounds of different languages in their brain. This is particularly useful when there are two languages being spoken in the home. Their brains are able to accept that each item you pick up has 2 names eg 'bed' or 'seng' (in Danish).
By 8 -14 months they can point to objects you name and can say simple words eg 'bo' for bottle. Their speech isn't clear, but becomes consistent. They may be able to make animal sounds on request, or when they see a picture of the animal in a book. Their receptive language has increased dramatically and when you ask: 'Where's the ball?' they understand and will look around for it.
At all times it is your connection with them which is important – your voice, it's tone and volume. Your voice provides them with so much information. Be aware that they don't get this same level of engagement with a TV or iPad app, which is one of the reasons why they aren't recommended for children under two years of age. You are the most important one for their development!
If you notice your baby or toddler isn't responding to sounds, or isn't babbling, have their hearing checked. It maybe as a result of an short term infection, but needs to be checked by your doctor.
Happy talking with your child!
You know how great you feel after a good nights sleep… You smile more, you have the energy to take on the day with enthusiasm, and you cope better if things don’t go well. Isn’t that what we want for our children too? Whilst we can’t make children sleep, we can create an environment that is conducive to sleep.
A good nights sleep assists the growth and development of a healthier body, a better concentration and attention span, improved strength and co-ordination, and more emotional balance.
A good nights sleep also makes the next day better for both parents and children!
It is important to establish good sleep routines early in a baby’s life, so that they quickly learn ‘how’ to go to sleep. It is even easier for the child to learn this, when the adults are consistent with the routine – regardless of whether it is Mum or Dad who are preparing the child for bed. When you follow the same routine each night, you establish a pattern in the child which gets them ready for sleep. Does it mean they will be happy about it – no, not necessarily! But, who is the one who knows how much sleep children need, and what they will be like without it… You! Young children generally do not know when they are tired. It’s rare for a child to say “Yes” when asked “Do you want to go to bed?” As adults we are the responsible ones!
The following is a guideline provided by the ‘Parents as Teachers’ organisation. The recommendations are, in a 24 hour period:
Newborns need 16 - 20 hours;
At 4 weeks they need 14 – 18hrs;
Babies 6-8 weeks need about 15-16 hours;
At 2-3 months they need 12-15hrs;
At 4-9 months they need11-15hrs;
At 9-18 months they need 11 -14hrs;
Toddlers 18months – 3years need 13hours;
Children 3-5years need 11-13hrs.
Obviously some will be daytime sleeps and then the evening sleep.
Children who don’t get adequate sleep are not only grumpy and easily upset the next day, they are less able to function well, and to process new information.
Good sleep = a better day tomorrow.
Calm and Consistent is the key!
Happy Sleep Times!
Many years ago a survey was conducted, asking young children (4 - 8y.o) the question: “What is love?”
Their answers varied considerably and were obviously based on what was modelled to them in their environment......
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy 4
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri 4
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby 7
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy 8
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image!) Karen 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica 8
The responses they've given indicate that they've seen love displayed via the words, the body language, the emotion, via connection, the feelings and that it's important.
It's well known that when children feel loved and valued, they develop into secure and happy people. The same is true for us as adults!
How do we show children that we love them?
We can do it through our words, our touch, our availability, the acts of service we do, and it maybe via small gifts. Gary Chapman wrote an excellent book about love called 'The Five Love Languages' and the importance of them to both children and adults.
However the important place to start is by looking at yourself....
All of these are going to be on display to your child/ren. Based on what they see and hear, they will draw conclusions about what love is. For children to go onto having healthy relationships themselves, they need to know what that is.
If you are feeling unloved, if you are in a relationship where love isn't shown in any way, or if you don't take care of your self, your children will perceive that this is what love is, and they may seek out relationships where this is the case.
Conversely if you are in a loving relationship and you take good care of yourself in terms of health and fun, then this is what your children will strive for in their relationships.
If you don't have a partner, all is not lost... love relationships are not just about partners – it's friends and family too. So hugs between your siblings, giving flowers to your Mum, cooking a meal for an elderly relative are all displays of affection and regard, and great modelling for your children.
Have a conversation with your children... ask them 'What is love?' and 'How do you know I love you?'
It will be interesting to see what they say.
Happy Loving Parenting!
This week I needed to purchase some new toys for a Playgroup I run. ‘That’s easy’, I thought, as I headed to the nearest toy store. The various Parenting Consultant positions I’ve held over the past 14 years have all come with fully set up rooms. So, it’s been a long time since I’ve been in a toy store! Frankly, I must say that I was horrified at the sexism and consumerism I was confronted with. Aisles and aisles of pink toys for girls and blue/ green for boys. And, the vast majority of toys had TV/ movie characters on them as logos. Is this what we want for our children - to be pigeon holed into gender based stereotypes, and to be on the consumer trail from 2 years of age?
The pink, ‘girl stuff’’ was basically projecting images of a demure, delicate, gentle child, and many toys were of a domestic nature. The ‘boy toys’ projected toughness adventure and, with bold or military colours.
This push towards ‘girly pink’ or a ‘baby blue’ for boys, begins at birth. No, actually, it begins prior to birth when many parents want to know the gender of the child so that they can decorate the room pink or blue. (And yes, I know there are many other reasons why parents want to know the gender). Then once baby arrives often gifts are received, and again the parents have the gender of the child defined by colour , with pink and blue as predominate.
(more…)Have you ever had your child calling: “Mum, Mum, come and look at this.” You go and it’s a dead cricket. At that moment in time you have a choice to make…. To either engage in the moment with your child or to dismiss it/ them. You can either talk with them about what they’ve found, ask questions about what they think happened or what they think they should do with the cricket, thereby making it a time of learning, understanding and connection. Or, you can dismiss it with: “Its dead, leave it alone” or “Is that all, I was in the middle of doing dishes!”
One way helps the child feel connected with you, that you have time for them, and that what they have to say or show you is of value to you.
The other way – if said often enough- gives the message that you aren’t interested in what they like, and that dirty dishes are more important than them.
When my children were younger and we’d walk, I lost count of the number of rocks and pebbles collected by one child and each one had to be viewed by me, as if she’d just found gold. I also remember my daughter calling me to look at yet another jump she’d just come up with on the trampoline and wanted me to view – many times in a day, and if I resisted she’d say: ‘but Mum, this one’s special!’ When I did look - even if it didn’t seem any different to the last one, or last few I’d viewed – the magic was in her face – she beamed with pride over that jump…. That was the magic of the moment!
Every day we are given opportunities to connect with our children in a positive way, to build their sense of self-worth. The magic moments can be found anywhere and everywhere – in play together, in smiling and hugging, in laughing and doing silly things together, in noticing and commenting on what they are doing – magic is available anywhere!
It doesn’t come in the form of big expensive toys, but in the form of your connection with them when you play with those toys! So many parents have said to me that their child never plays with all the toys they have bought them. I can almost guarantee that if those parents played with the child with those same toys, there would be joy in the child’s eyes.
Magic is actually a willingness to give – to give your child the gift of your focussed time. Forget taking a photo of the moment and instead BE in the moment with them!
You can find magic in:
I know you all have dishes to do, washing to hang on the line and lawns to mow – but amid all the ‘work’ of parenting, find several of these magic moments each day!
You have the magic in you as a parent to make the magic smile and dance in your child’s eyes – it’s a choice we consciously make everytime they say; ‘Watch me, Dad!’
Happy ‘Magic Moments’!