I recently had a trip overseas to see my family in Denmark. While I was there, I was away from the busy-ness of my daily life and so had more time to relax and think.
Flying gives me great pleasure – I get excited just like a child – the thrill of taxiing down the runway, and the glee when the plane lifts and soars above the ground – I sit there, almost grinning like the Cheshire Cat in ‘Alice in Wonderful’.
The next day I’m lying on the grass in my sister, Anita’s backyard, in the sunshine with my niece, gazing through the dappled light of the giant tree at the moving clouds. I felt grateful and blessed to be there, for Cecilie’s company (I only see her every 4-5 years), for the sun when it was mid-winter back home in Tasmania, for being able to laze about instead of working, for the fact I had enough money to take such a trip, and for the joy of being with family again – so many things to be grateful for!
I believe that in every day there are things to be grateful for, and that it’s important to notice them.
What happens when we notice and appreciate these little things, is that we become better at noticing even more of them. Gratitude is a bit like a muscle – the more we use it (noticing and appreciating things) the stronger it gets, and our capacity to see more grows. The same happens when we focus on what’s wrong - we become better at finding more problems or issues – we’ve exercised our ‘problems’ muscle! I know which one I’d rather be stronger in!
Does this mean that we never experience problems – of course not! We will still have things like a child who has just spilt a litre of milk on the floor, or it starts raining when the washing is out, or that you get a big phone bill. These experiences are called ‘life’ and we all go through it, as your children will. When these things happen (the milk, the rain, the bill) we can either dwell on the problem by ranting or yelling or complaining, or we can choose to work on solving the problem instead, with an attitude of ‘what can I do to make this better’. It switches the whole focus from problem to solution! In the heat of the moment it may not feel like there’s anything to be grateful for, but on reflection… maybe you can see that the toddler is learning to pour better, and that the rain is helping the flowers to grow, and that the phone bill means you have lots of friends to talk with! How we choose to see our world is up to us!
Have you ever used a Gratitude Jar? Take a large glass jar and put a label “Gratitude Jar 2014” on it. Each night before bed on a small piece on paper, write down at least one thing you are grateful for, fold it up and place it in the jar. Do this every night. You’ll soon see that there are many things to be grateful for in your life. Yes, even when you are going through times. When I had breast cancer 5 years ago, it was a really had time, with surgery, chemotherapy, radiation etc. Yet, there were still so many things to be grateful for: the skill of the doctors, the caring nurses, the drugs available now, the family who supported me, the flowers I received, the sun shine, the food prepared, the wind in my hair - oh no, I didn’t have that! – so it was laughter instead – soooo much to be grateful for!
What would you put in your Gratitude Jar today? – thanks for the sunshine; my smiling children, my sleeping baby, the food I’m preparing for lunch, the fact I can pay my phone bill, I have warm clothes for my toddler, the feel of clean sheets or freshly brushed teeth, the taste of strawberries, the perfume my mother wears, the memory of my Grandpa etc etc
What an important gift to share with your children – to look at the world with thanks!
Happy (grateful) parenting!
For a long time now we’ve known the valuable role that mothers play in the development of children, through nurturing and play.
Research also acknowledges the powerful role which Dads play in the family dynamics generally, and in the long term well-being of their children.
The best gift a Dad can give his kids, is his time!
Being a Dad is probably the most important job you’ll ever do. The way you interact and behave with your children will have a huge impact on them – what they do, how they feel about themselves and how they turn out - both now, and down the track. As with anything that is important to you, being a great Dad requires time, energy and effort!
When fathers are actively (and positively) engaged in their children’s lives, the benefits are tremendous. It’s been shown that:
Every Dad needs encouragement from family and friends – especially from the mother of the child. This includes:
A lot of people still feel that parenting means 'by mothers...
Image that a (well intentioned) Mum insists on being the one who knows best how to change a nappy, or settle a child to sleep, or to feed them. That Mum does become an 'expert' because she gets to practice her skills regularly. If the Dad is discouraged from helping he doesn't get the chance to develop his parenting skills. Now, imagine if something happened to Mum, where she needed to go to hospital for a day or two, for example. The baby/ toddler would then be cared for by Dad. This child has only experienced the way Mum feeds him, changes him, holds him etc and so not only is the child stressed because Mum is absent, the baby/ toddler is also distressed because Dad does things differently to the way the baby/ toddler is used to.
It's really important, and beneficial to a child to experience the slightly different ways that parent work with them, and to learn that both parents can care for me (the baby/ toddler)
Enjoy your special role Dads, and .... Mums – encourage and acknowledge all the great work they do.
When a child has the important adults in a strong parenting role, the benefits are huge!
Happy Fathers Day!
There was once a group of tiny frogs, who arranged a competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very tall water tower. A big crowd gathered around to see the race, and to cheer on the contestants. The race began…
Honestly, no-one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You could hear statements such as: “Oh it’s way too difficult. They will never make it to the top.” And “Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high”.
Some tiny frogs began collapsing off the wall, one by one.
A few others had a fresh burst of energy and were climbing higher and higher… The crowd continued to yell: “It’s too difficulty! No-one will make it!” Gradually more tiny frogs got tired of the effort and gave up.
But there was one who wouldn’t give up and continued higher and higher until finally he reached the top.
(more…)This week I needed to purchase some new toys for a Playgroup I run. ‘That’s easy’, I thought, as I headed to the nearest toy store. The various Parenting Consultant positions I’ve held over the past 14 years have all come with fully set up rooms. So, it’s been a long time since I’ve been in a toy store! Frankly, I must say that I was horrified at the sexism and consumerism I was confronted with. Aisles and aisles of pink toys for girls and blue/ green for boys. And, the vast majority of toys had TV/ movie characters on them as logos. Is this what we want for our children - to be pigeon holed into gender based stereotypes, and to be on the consumer trail from 2 years of age?
The pink, ‘girl stuff’’ was basically projecting images of a demure, delicate, gentle child, and many toys were of a domestic nature. The ‘boy toys’ projected toughness adventure and, with bold or military colours.
This push towards ‘girly pink’ or a ‘baby blue’ for boys, begins at birth. No, actually, it begins prior to birth when many parents want to know the gender of the child so that they can decorate the room pink or blue. (And yes, I know there are many other reasons why parents want to know the gender). Then once baby arrives often gifts are received, and again the parents have the gender of the child defined by colour , with pink and blue as predominate.
(more…)Do you sometimes have difficulty working out why your baby is crying? What is it, that they want? And even when you’ve tried a few things, they still cry!
Imagine if you were the baby and you were saying: ‘I’m tired’, and your carer feeds you instead! And then when you say again: ‘I’m tired’, then they decide to burp you… or change your nappy – the result would be one unhappy baby – and probably one upset and distressed parent!
This is what often happens with a newborn and new parents. It’s like we are both talking different languages, and can’t really understand what the other is saying. And so we take a guess – and sometimes we are lucky and get it right, and other times not!
Wouldn’t it be great to actually know what the baby was saying? Imagine how easy that would make it! Well, now you can.
An Australian lady, Priscilla Dunstan, who has an auditory memory, could hear that the sounds her infant son made were the same every time he was hungry, and that when he had wind, he made a different sound. She then went on to find that all babies, regardless of the family’s language or their socio-economic group, made the same sounds. On investigation – followed by 10 years of research around the world – it was determined that the 5 main sounds which newborns make, are reflexed based.
When the baby is hungry, it commences the sucking reflex, and when you add sound to it, the cry or sound produced is neh. So all babies will make this sound when they start the sucking reflex.
When a baby is tired, the yawning reflex kicks in, and with their cry, the sound owh is heard.
Wind in the upper area means the baby needs to burp, and so the muscles in the chest are trying to constrict to force the burp up, which leads to the word eh.
When the wind hasn’t been expelled via burping, it travels through the baby and becomes lower gut pain, and now they are attempting to push, to eliminate the wind – leading to an eairh sound.
If babies are too hot or cold, or their nappy is wet, their skin becomes irritated and they produce a breathy sound - heh
Basically, when a baby cries, it is telling us something… exactly what they need!
As new parents it can take many weeks or even months to really work this out through trial and error. The Dunstan Baby Language makes it so much easier! Sonja is the Australian National trainer of DBL and runs regular classes for both parents and also professionals who wish to learn the method. Nothing beats having an experienced DBL Trainer explain it to you, and to ensure that you really can interpret what your child is saying!
Being able to more often identify and meet babies requests through the DBL method, leads to a more content baby, and calmer parents – and that has to be a good thing!
I had a mini-holiday recently, in a beautiful little seaside town. Daily I would walk to the beach, to absorb the sunshine and heat, as well as hear the sounds of the waves crashing, and the smell the scent of the sea and the bush surrounds.
On the beach were so many families from India, Asian, the Middle East and Anglos. There were Mums with kids, families with cousins & Grandparents, group of friends, surfers, and couples walking hand in hand.
What they all had in common, was a day of fun. There were so many smiles and the sound of laughter, and it was wonderful to participate in this event.
It made me reflect on all the amazing messages which were intentionally and unintentionally being shared with the children present.
They were messages about:
So many amazing lessons on the beach – many of them unspoken messages, but equally absorbed by the children.
We expose our child to these sort of spoken and subtle messages whichever environment they are in – be it the beach, the supermarket or movie theatre. It helps children to learn the ‘rules’ of their environments and our society, through us as parents, and by the others who use the same space.
Happy learning one and all!
Last week I detailed four of the nine traits which make up your temperament or personality, and the ways in which as a parent, we can cater for our children’s temperaments, when life isn’t always going to go their way. Let’s look at the other five traits:
Regularity:
Support children who are highly regular by maintaining schedules, where possible. Talk to them, if things are going to be different today.
When children aren’t predictable in their needs for food, sleep or toileting, watch them for indications that they are uncomfortable (tired, hungry), as they may not read the signs themselves.
Sensitivity:
Children with high sensitivity will ‘feel’ or notice small changes – to the way food tastes, to the sounds around them and how fabrics feel on their skin. When they say: ‘this jumper feels scratchy’, to them it really does, and they may become stressed if made to wear it. Respond to their sensitivities with gentleness, and change it if possible.
A child with low sensitivity won’t notice when they are cold, or when the TV is too loud for their ears. Be aware of what is going on around you and assist them, if they don’t notice themselves.
Mood:
Be aware that sometimes children who always present as happy children may not know how to show it, when they aren’t happy, and so just cover it up. Check in with them when things are changing.
If you have a child who is often in a negative mood (cranky, sad or whingy), place them in calm, repetitive situations, where they can learn to cope by becoming familiar with the environment. Acknowledge them, when they do display positive behaviours.
Intensity:
For children who are high intensity (they laugh really loudly, or cry dramatically), it’s important that they receive good role modelling from you, as to how to handle their feelings when things go wrong or change. Talk softly with them at this time, and say: ‘When you stop crying, I can hear what you want’ etc.
Children who are low intensity often don’t know how to express what they are feeling – again modelling helps, and saying words like: ‘I can see you are sad that Daddy’s not home yet, and that makes you want to cry’ etc.
These are just some of the ways to assist your children. It’s particularly important when you have a operate differently in that particular trait, as it might not be obvious to you, as to why they are behaving that way.
As parents we always have the opportunity to grow and learn more about our children (and ourselves!)
Whilst people say that your personality is ‘set’ at birth, and often that is the case - yet we all know adults who have dramatically changed, often after a major event in their life – so change is possible!
Your personality is a tendency to respond in a certain way – with determination and action, an adult can make changes for themselves. When your children grow up, they may make changes within, if they desire. In the meantime, let's help them where they are at, ie with WHO they are.
Happy Parenting!
Last week I listed the nine traits which make up your temperament or personality. Basically you are born with them, and it’s believed they don’t change that much over time – the idea that ‘who you are’ is it.
As a parent, how do we cater for our children’s temperaments, when life isn’t always going to go their way?
Let’s look at each trait.
Activity Level:
If you have a highly active child (more than their peers), give them plenty of opportunity to move about freely, including both inside and outside play – after that maybe have reading time, or puzzle play with them, so that they learn to sit a little. A highly active child is not a diagnosis of ADHD, and if you have genuine concerns, see a doctor. What I’ve often seen is a highly active child, with low activity parents, which makes the child ‘look’ too busy!
Children of low activity, may benefit from gentle encouragement to play an outside ball game, or climbing on the equipment in the park. Avoid letting these children have lots of TV or screen time.
Adaptability:
Children who are highly adaptable may happily flit to each new opportunity. Ensure that you get one on one time playing with them to strengthen your bond, as they’ll want to be off again shortly!
Children who have low adapability need to be given time to get ready for the change/ new situation. Keep them informed. It may be worth repeating a situation, to give them the opportunity to get used to that place/ person.
Persistence:
Children who have high persistence, may continue on a task which is beyond them, as they don’t want to give up, or feel they have ‘failed’. A classic example of this, is one of my daughters. As a 9 y.o she had invested a lot of time in putting together a project for school, with writing, pictures, colourful headings etc. After giving her lots of praise for her work and presentation, I pointed out one spelling mistake (the teacher in me!). She promptly scrunched it up, threw it in the bin, and started again! Encourage these children to get comfortable with mistakes or ‘failures’ so that they see it is part of life, and that it’s actually how you learn to do things differently!
Children with low persistence need your help to stay with a task. Break the task down into smaller, more manageable pieces, and let them have success in this way.
Approach / Withdrawal:
Children who boldly step forward in new situations should not be discouraged from that. They may need reminders around limits and safety.
Children who are more cautious need a bit of time to get used to new situations. Talking with them, in advance, about what’s happening today will alleviate their discomfort. Remind younger children that they can hold your hand if they’re not quite ready. Don’t avoid new situations, just prepare them for it.
We’ll look at the other five traits next week. Till then…
Happy Parenting
Language begins to develop prior to birth, when babies hear the parents’ voices in utereo. When a baby, who has just been born, is placed between their mother and a stranger, and they both speak to the baby, she will turn towards the recognisable voice of her Mum – amazing!
From birth to 6 weeks, this recognition of both Mum and Dad’s voices continues, and the baby responds to sounds and voices, but aren’t yet able to localise them. Babies have different cries to indicate their need for food, sleep, or to be burped! When parents are able to correctly identify these cries, then they can quickly settle the baby .
You can read more about this, in a previous article I wrote: https://theparentingcafe.com.au/the-5-words-your-newborn-says/
You can help by: Look at your baby and talk with her. Smile at her. Surround her with gentle, pleasant sounds, and avoid sudden loud noises, which may startle her.
Between 6 weeks and 3 ½ months babies will now turn their heads towards the sound, and will look at their parents when they talk. They begin to make ‘cooing’ sounds eg ‘aaah’, ‘eeee’ or ‘oooo’. It’s also the time when ‘conversation’ starts – have you noticed how a baby of this age will ‘talk’, then stop? If you speak softly back to them, they will ‘listen’ and then respond. It’s a conversation with no words, but with sounds and eye contact!
You can help by: ‘Conversing’ with your baby, allowing him time to respond to you. Maintain eye contact as either of you speak. Make the same sounds as your baby does, as well as ‘regular’ talking. Tell him about his world and what is happening, as you bath him or dress him.
From 3 ½ months to 5 ½ months babies are more able to locate a sound eg over to the left and up. They react when hearing their name, and they enjoy listening to the sounds they themselves make – often squealing with delight. They show pleasure by gurgling and cooing. It’s also the time of blowing ‘raspberries’ with lots of dribble involved!
You can help by: Provide a variety of toys which make different sounds – bells, simple shaker toys and by playing different types of music. Use his name frequently so he gets used to hearing it. Sing simple nursery rhymes – it does not matter about the quality of your voice – it’s about the baby and you sharing a moment through sound! Continue to mimic his sounds, as well as using ‘regular’ words. If the baby wakes happily and is ‘talking’ to himself, let him have that time alone, to be able to listen to his own voice and sounds.
In the time from 5 ½ months to 8 months babies now attempt to mimic sounds, and they experiment with squealing. They start to associate often repeated words with people or objects, and continue to enjoy blowing raspberries! By 8 months babies are beginning to combine sounds eg ‘ba ba’ or ‘da da’, and will repeat one often, before starting on the next one. They are learning verbal and non-verbal forms of communication, eg facial expressions and gestures.
You can help by: When she is playing with a book and seems to be looking at it, name the picture for her. Similarly when she is staring at household object (eg the fan, or the clock), label it for her. When you wave, as someone leaves, and say: ‘bye bye’ she will begin to associate waving with a person leaving. Say rhymes or sing songs which have repeated phrases or words.
Next week we will continue looking at language development – from 8 months onwards.
Happy Parenting, Sonja
When we become pregnant, there is so much focus on the developing foetus – the size, the gender, the health etc. Health professionals and family members encourage the pregnant Mother to eat well, avoid toxins such as smoke, and to get enough rest. These factors (and others) can contribute to the birth of a healthy baby.
When the baby is born there are regular check-ins with community nurses to monitor the progress of the new child. There is a lot of attention on the well-being and growth of the child.
What about the growth of the parent?
What does it take to ‘grow’ a healthy happy parent?
Just some of the ways to ‘grow’ a parent.
Happy Parenting!