Have you ever noticed that when you are having a bad day – when the dog chews your new shoes, or it’s suddenly started to rain and you have almost dry clothes on the line or, you didn’t sleep well last night, and there’s no milk for your morning coffee – that this is the day your child seems to be really difficult – whinging a lot, accidentally spilling his drink, and crying because the puzzle piece won’t fit. Have you seen that correlation? It happens in the reverse too – when you’ve slept well, and the sun is shining and you managed to drink ½ a cup of hot coffee before you got distracted – that on these days, your children play happily with each other, they are more cuddly, and they use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ more often – have you noticed that?
What this tells us is that mothers are pivotal in setting the tone for the day. Children – even very young ones - are sensitive to the moods of those around them. They notice that you are different, whether stressed, or sad, or angry. Often they are too young to understand why this might be, but they still sense it, and as a result, are influenced by it.
This is why I am passionate (and I mention this a lot) about mothers making self-care a priority. Dads are absolutely important too. The reality is that it is often mothers who are at home with the children, and hence this is directed at them…. Look after yourself, take time out to have coffee with a girlfriend, get out in the sunshine, have a bubble bath – do something nice for you on a regular basis. The benefits to you and your sense of well-being is huge… and of course there’s that ripple effect for your children!
I remember when I had my first baby, …… I had left teaching where I had 30 x 6 - 7 year olds in my care daily. I could organise them to be polite, to do what I set them, to enthuse them to learning, to get them to co-operate…. I did this daily, and I did it well. Then my baby arrived, and it wasn’t so easy…. She cried, and at times it didn’t matter what I did, she still cried. I was soooo tired in those early weeks. When she was asleep I’d rush around attempting to do the house cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking dinner, and trying to look ‘nice’ as well. But, rarely did I achieve that in the first weeks. I had to quickly learn that it wasn’t possible to do all of that, and have a happy mum and baby. I let go of my Superwoman imagery and got real, and as a result, I smiled more!
I can guarantee you, that if you aim for this level of perfection, you will fail nearly every day. Things happen – we growl, we look annoyed, we ignore our child because we’re engrossed in reading a magazine article etc – all things which a ‘perfect mother/ father’ would never do. Can we please get real here…. We are humans and we’ve all made mistakes at times, or not acted in the best way. If we expect perfection from ourselves and our children, then that’s not realistic!
Let’s instead accept good parenting as our goal, or even great parenting – where we do the best we can every day, and we learn from that as to what works well and what doesn’t – this will lead to success, and smiles!
You are good enough! – believe it, live it, breathe it… AND model that to your child.
Happy Parenting!
Many years ago a survey was conducted, asking young children (4 - 8y.o) the question: “What is love?”
Their answers varied considerably and were obviously based on what was modelled to them in their environment......
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy 4
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri 4
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby 7
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy 8
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image!) Karen 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica 8
The responses they've given indicate that they've seen love displayed via the words, the body language, the emotion, via connection, the feelings and that it's important.
It's well known that when children feel loved and valued, they develop into secure and happy people. The same is true for us as adults!
How do we show children that we love them?
We can do it through our words, our touch, our availability, the acts of service we do, and it maybe via small gifts. Gary Chapman wrote an excellent book about love called 'The Five Love Languages' and the importance of them to both children and adults.
However the important place to start is by looking at yourself....
All of these are going to be on display to your child/ren. Based on what they see and hear, they will draw conclusions about what love is. For children to go onto having healthy relationships themselves, they need to know what that is.
If you are feeling unloved, if you are in a relationship where love isn't shown in any way, or if you don't take care of your self, your children will perceive that this is what love is, and they may seek out relationships where this is the case.
Conversely if you are in a loving relationship and you take good care of yourself in terms of health and fun, then this is what your children will strive for in their relationships.
If you don't have a partner, all is not lost... love relationships are not just about partners – it's friends and family too. So hugs between your siblings, giving flowers to your Mum, cooking a meal for an elderly relative are all displays of affection and regard, and great modelling for your children.
Have a conversation with your children... ask them 'What is love?' and 'How do you know I love you?'
It will be interesting to see what they say.
Happy Loving Parenting!