What do children need? As humans, we have five basic needs:  survival, love and belonging, fun, power, freedom… Let’s look at these in more detail….

Survival – this is about the basics we need to support human life – good nourishing food available including water, comfortable clothing which fits and suits the weather conditions, shelter from the elements and which also provides a home base – a place of safety, and warmth both physical and emotional.

Love and Belonging – Parents can show love in many ways- with our words of kindness, praise and compassion, by gentle touch and fun, rowdy touch such as high 5’s or tousling hair, by giving our time to another to engage with them, by small gifts of things which give them enjoyment and also by doing acts of service – cooking a favourite meal or fixing the flat tyre on their bike. As humans, we like to belong to something – to feel part of it. It may be a family, a community, a church, a sports group etc.

Fun – Play with your children – with their toys, with laying on the grass watching the clouds, with jumping into puddles and blowing bubbles across the sky – laugh with them… especially at littles ones silly jokes.

Power – Children get power through knowledge ie understanding how things work, understanding about trial and error, understanding about cause and effect. When they learn in this way, they develop a bigger understanding of how the world operates and the impact their choices have – to them and for others. Power is also something children learn from how their parents model it – do you speak calmly in an argument or discussion – or do you yell and put-down another. Do you stand up for yourself when you’ve been mistreated. Children need to understand how to use their voice (their power) to protect themselves whilst respecting others who voice their opinions

Freedom – this is learnt through offering young children about choices and boundaries. Give children choice about things they can choose (the red/ black or striped T-shirt, or the ham or chicken or cheese sandwich) but learning there are boundaries in place eg they can’t choose whether to wear a seat belt or not – that’s a parental decision (a legal one!) Boundaries do keep children safe, which allows them to safely explore within those boundaries – that’s appropriate freedom for little ones.

Have you heard of the BE/ DO/ HAVE model?

It’s a model for working in the world whether you are talking about personal or work related goals. Basically it’s about who do I have to BE and what do I need to DO, in order to HAVE the goal I desire.

So, in the above example of children’s needs they are the HAVE – the goal we desire – we want children to have fun, be loved etc

We DO it by providing as I suggested above.

So in order to do those things (play with them, provide food, teach them etc) who do you have to BE?

BE is about being a person:

The BE/ DO/ HAVE model is a great tool.

Happy Parenting this week!

Many Mums are awesome at looking after their children – nurturing, feeding, loving, playing, educating, disciplining and laughing.

Many of those Mums are also great at looking after their partners – again, loving, caring & laughing.

Why then, when we are the ‘experts’ at looking after others, do we often do such a poor job of looking after ourselves?

This is a concern, on a few levels.

If we keep ‘giving’, without replenishing ourselves, we reach a stage of ‘emptiness’. As a Parenting Consultant for 18 years, I’ve seen many women who love the early years of parenthood, and then they start to look tired and worn out, which can lead to resentment.

Now we all know parenting can be both fulfilling and exhausting. A Mum who looks after herself, will be able to more easily cope with the various things which can happen in a day with youngsters – drawing on the walls, cutting their sisters hair, and vegemite hugs!

The second concern with not looking after yourself as Mums, is the modelling aspect. As we know, children model both our positive, and our less desirable traits. If you are tired, constantly giving, and never doing anything for yourself, this is the image you are presenting to your children. To your female children you are saying, (through your actions): ‘When you grow up honey, you can be tired and run-down like this’. And, to your male children, you are saying: ‘When you grow up, find someone like me, who’ll do everything for you’. Is this the message you want to convey?

Wouldn’t it be great, to model for them – strength & fulfilment, love & receiving, nurturing others & self-care – isn’t that what you really want for your children?

So, how do we find ‘Me-Time’ when there’s washing to hang out, a toddler who wants you to paint, and what’s for dinner?

The answer lies in the amazing way in which Mums are able to organise and multi-task every day! Think of what you do when you go out with a young baby – nappies, wipes, change of clothes, toys, books, food etc. We are capable organisers – so let’s utilise that strength!

Open your diaries right now, and pick a time this week, and write in “Me-Time” – ideally a 2 - 3 hr spot. I can already hear some of you giving me excuses why it’s not possible. However, if it were an appointment for the dentist or Canteen duty, you would do what you needed to do, to keep the appointment. You can do this!

Many of you have sisters, friends and neighbours who have children similar ages to yours. Build those friendships, by having them over for play dates, at your home, or theirs. Once you know and trust them well enough, that’s when the magic of “Me-Time” begins — the two of you agree that (eg) Tuesdays 9am -12 noon is “Me-Time”. One Tuesday you drop your children off to their place, knowing they will be well cared for. You now have 3 hours just for you – a walk, a bubble bath, painting your nails or to read a book and drink a whole cup of hot tea! Imagine how refreshed you would feel, and how you would greet your children (and partner) once again with a big smile. Next week, you reciprocate for your friend. How good would it be to have that time regularly? – value yourself enough to make this happen!
One suggested ‘rule’ is that in “Me-Time” there is no housework to be done! – this is about nurturing yourself… You and your children deserve that!

Happy Parenting!

You often hear grandparents, or parents of older children say: ‘I can’t believe my daughter turns 32 in September’ or, ‘I can’t believe he’s going to be a teenager next week’; and it’s usually followed up with: ‘It’s all gone so fast, it seems like only yesterday they were starting school.’

These parents have noticed how quickly the time passes.

Yet when you’re a parent to an active 6 year old, or a 2 year old who has spent the day having tantrums, the time (till bed-time) seems to pass so s-l-o-w-l-y!

There’s a lot of fun to be had with babies and young children – hugging and smiling, reading books, playing with playdough, building towers, and ‘magic’ things like blowing bubbles or lying on the grass watching the clouds pass by. When this is happening, it’s such a beautiful feeling, and we are strengthening the bonds with our child/ren.

And then there’s the days where parenting feels like one hard slog! The toddler didn’t sleep well because they were teething, and the 4 year old is just in a cranky mood, the milk gets spilt, nobody wants to pick up the toys, and it’s raining for the third day in a row.  I’m sure you’ve all had those days, where you keep glancing at the clock, willing it to go faster so it’s 7 pm and time for bed. These are when the days seem to last forever!

The reality is that those challenging days and the happy, smiling ones are all part of the parenthood journey (and the child’s journey too).

Parenting is a job, with emotion ties. When you work as a cleaner, or teacher, or mechanic, we do our work, and we get paid. When we work as parents – caring, teaching, loving, cleaning, driving etc the ‘pay’ comes in the form of emotional connection with your child – and some days there seems to be more (or less) of the pay!

So how do we enjoy this time before we are the ones saying: “I can’t believe he’s 10 already’?

The key is to enjoy the moment!

If it’s raining, put on rain coats and have a puddle splash time!

If they are in a cranky mood, remind yourself: ‘It’s not easy being two.’

If you are in a baking mood, get your 3 y.o to help stir, and if some of the mixture ends up on the floor, show them how to clean it up, rather than getting cranky.

If they ask you to ‘watch this Mummy’ as they show you something – really watch them – enjoy the moment.

If the baby is crying, think about how hard it is for them, when you can’t understand exactly what they need.

The more often we connect with out children, the more we can weather the storms on those tough days.

The reality is that even when children are being challenging, they are still loveable! If you doubt that statement… think about a life without them – that’s really hard to imagine, isn’t it? So often when you put that child to bed and they are asleep, we look at them again with love (whilst saying a silent ‘thank-you’ prayer that they are asleep!)

Being a parent gives you a chance to create a second childhood for yourself! Make it a magical one for you and your child, by having fun together and really enjoying this amazing person you helped to create, and whom you have the opportunity to share your wisdom with!

Many parents I work with have a hectic schedule of appointments and activities which are fitted in and around work and home duties. These appointments and activities include things such as dental or hair appointments and sporting or cultural activities such a soccer, kindy gym or ballet classes.

Many parents want to give their children the best possible start in life and provide them with more opportunities than they themselves had, believing that these things will lead to more educated, healthy and well-rounded children. I admire their goals, dedication and commitment to getting the child to these classes.

Raising healthy, well-rounded children is so much more than just this.

One critical thing is the importance of ‘Together Time.’

Generally, when we take our children to music, dance or martial arts classes we hand our children across to a teacher or coach, and we, the parents, become spectators. And whilst there is nothing wrong at all with that, it is vitally important that children get time engaged with us.

If you have school aged children or if you are working and the children are in care, then Together Time during the week might be eating dinner together, or reading bed time stories, or helping them with their homework. On the weekend there are so many options:

Going to the beach

Going on a picnic

Going on a bicycle ride around your neighbourhood

Going to the movies

Planting out a vegetable garden,

Spend time in the backyard, mowing the lawn, weeding the garden, and watering it

Painting the paling fence together

Playing card or board games

Going on a bush walk

Go camping for the weekend or

Pitch a tent in the backyard and sleep the night in it

Make a fire in a pit and toast marshmallows on a stick

Playing cricket

Visiting a local play ground

Going to the zoo

Going to a museum

Having a baking day at home

When you join together as a family and all participate in an activity, you are not only having fun together, but are also giving your children some valuable messages – some of these are spoken messages and some unspoken, but all are equally important. The messages might be:

We are a family

You are part of the family

We support and help each other

We encourage each other

We enjoy spending time together.

We can have fun together

We can work together to achieve something or a goal

You are important

I (the parent) like and choose to spend time with you

We might be busy but we make time for family

We regularly spend Together Time

‘Together Time’ might be family time as above, or it may be 1:1 time with one parent and one child. Again, it’s about spending quality time with the child engaged in an activity which they are interested in. It may be spending time with them ‘servicing’ their bicycle and showing them how to check the tyre pressure or how to grease the chain; or if they love cooking it could be showing them how to make a batch of scones; or if they love dinosaurs, it could be taking them to the museum.

Whether it’s Family Together Time or 1:1 Together Time, it is about connecting with the child/ren. No phones, no telly to interrupt you -  just focused time.

Think back to a time when you felt someone was really ‘there’ for you, when they were attentive and present, and how good that felt. Conversely you might recall a time when you were with someone but they weren’t really attentive – it didn’t feel like you were important to them.

We want out children to grow up feeling they matter, and Together Time is one special way of doing that.

Can you make Saturday afternoons Together Time?

How can you give your children and yourself the gift of Together Time this week?

Happy Together Time!

So, you’ve recently had a baby. Congratulations!

You know when you started a new role at work, people understood that it would take you a little while to settle in, and there would be someone whom you could ask for help – a support person.

Mmmm not sure that always happens with Parenthood!

So, what can you do to make the first few weeks, or months much smoother so that you have a happy baby and Mum!

Happy New Parenting!

Think back to when you were pregnant with your first child. You may have been excited, or scared. You may have wondered about what the child would look like or be like. You may have been sad about your pregnancy – particularly if it was an unexpected pregnancy. You may have been beaming with excitement.

Then the baby arrived – some will have had an ‘easy’ birth, some harder but still okay and some may have had a difficult birth. After being in the hospital or with your midwife for a while, you were then be alone with this new little human – learning to do all that needed to be done whilst recovering from the birth and coping with interrupted sleep.

For many of us, there was a time when we thought: ‘I have no idea what to do here’; or ‘I’ve tried everything and he’s still unsettled’ or ‘Help, I can’t do this’.

At this point in time the reality is that you have stepped outside your Comfort Zone, and you are in a space/ situation which is uncomfortable for you, and this is because it is very unfamiliar – it’s something you’ve not done before.

Comfort Zone is defined as: ‘A situation where one feels at ease.’

Clearly, being a first time parent is very unfamiliar and therefore is outside our Comfort Zone.

Let’s think about all the new things which are happening which may lead you to feel uncomfortable, particularly in those first few weeks:

It’s no wonder that you are tired, tear-y and want to run away at times! This is because of being outside of your Comfort Zone – of being in an unfamiliar place.

Think back to another time when you felt overwhelmed with learning heaps of new things and skills in a short period of time – it might have been a new job, or learning to drive a car. With both of these experiences, it was likely that it was very uncomfortable in the first few weeks because you didn’t really know what you were doing – you were outside your Comfort Zone. As you gradually learnt what you needed and practiced the new skills, it gradually became less uncomfortable and became more familiar each time you did it. Gradually this new role or skill became ‘easy’ and merged into your Comfort Zone.

This is exactly what happens with parenting also. As we learn the skills needed to care for a new born infant we gradually relax a bit more as we feel more comfortable in our roles – our Comfort Zone has grown!

Then our baby starts to crawl, or walk, and we may have a new time of suddenly feeling outside our Comfort Zone and having to learn more again…. Then comes toilet-training, or pre-school or school and we start again!

Life is a series of challenges to grow and stretch our Comfort Zones

– and as we do, we grow as human beings!

Enjoying the s-t-r-e-t-c-h beyond your current Comfort Zone, to the next level!

Happy Parenting!

1. If you are happy, your child is probably happy.

Have you ever noticed that when you are having a bad day – when the dog chews your new shoes, or it’s suddenly started to rain and you have almost dry clothes on the line or, you didn’t sleep well last night, and there’s no milk for your morning coffee – that this is the day your child seems to be really difficult – whinging a lot, accidentally spilling his drink, and crying because the puzzle piece won’t fit. Have you seen that correlation? It happens in the reverse too – when you’ve slept well, and the sun is shining and you managed to drink ½ a cup of hot coffee before you got distracted – that on these days, your children play happily with each other, they are more cuddly, and they use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ more often – have you noticed that?

What this tells us is that mothers are pivotal in setting the tone for the day. Children – even very young ones - are sensitive to the moods of those around them. They notice that you are different, whether stressed, or sad, or angry. Often they are too young to understand why this might be, but they still sense it, and as a result, are influenced by it.

This is why I am passionate (and I mention this a lot) about mothers making self-care a priority. Dads are absolutely important too. The reality is that it is often mothers who are at home with the children, and hence this is directed at them…. Look after yourself, take time out to have coffee with a girlfriend, get out in the sunshine, have a bubble bath – do something nice for you on a regular basis. The benefits to you and your sense of well-being is huge… and of course there’s that ripple effect for your children!

2. You can’t do everything - Superwoman does not exist.

I remember when I had my first baby, …… I had left teaching where I had 30 x 6 - 7 year olds in my care daily. I could organise them to be polite, to do what I set them, to enthuse them to learning, to get them to co-operate…. I did this daily, and I did it well. Then my baby arrived, and it wasn’t so easy…. She cried, and at times it didn’t matter what I did, she still cried. I was soooo tired in those early weeks. When she was asleep I’d rush around attempting to do the house cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking dinner, and trying to look ‘nice’ as well. But, rarely did I achieve that in the first weeks. I had to quickly learn that it wasn’t possible to do all of that, and have a happy mum and baby. I let go of my Superwoman imagery and got real, and as a result, I smiled more!

3. Striving to be the ‘perfect mother’ raising the ‘perfect children’ is a recipe for disaster.

I can guarantee you, that if you aim for this level of perfection, you will fail nearly every day. Things happen – we growl, we look annoyed, we ignore our child because we’re engrossed in reading a magazine article etc – all things which a ‘perfect mother/ father’ would never do. Can we please get real here…. We are humans and we’ve all made mistakes at times, or not acted in the best way. If we expect perfection from ourselves and our children, then that’s not realistic!

Let’s instead accept good parenting as our goal, or even great parenting – where we do the best we can every day, and we learn from that as to what works well and what doesn’t – this will lead to success, and smiles!

You are good enough! – believe it, live it, breathe it… AND model that to your child.

Happy Parenting!

I recently had a trip overseas to see my family in Denmark. While I was there, I was away from the busy-ness of my daily life and so had more time to relax and think.

Flying gives me great pleasure – I get excited just like a child – the thrill of taxiing down the runway, and the glee when the plane lifts and soars above the ground – I sit there, almost grinning like the Cheshire Cat in ‘Alice in Wonderful’.

The next day I’m lying on the grass in my sister, Anita’s backyard, in the sunshine with my niece, gazing through the dappled light of the giant tree at the moving clouds. I felt grateful and blessed to be there, for Cecilie’s company (I only see her every 4-5 years), for the sun when it was mid-winter back home in Tasmania, for being able to laze about instead of working, for the fact I had enough money to take such a trip, and for the joy of being with family again – so many things to be grateful for!

I believe that in every day there are things to be grateful for, and that it’s important to notice them.

What happens when we notice and appreciate these little things, is that we become better at noticing even more of them. Gratitude is a bit like a muscle – the more we use it (noticing and appreciating things) the stronger it gets, and our capacity to see more grows. The same happens when we focus on what’s wrong - we become better at finding more problems or issues – we’ve exercised our ‘problems’ muscle! I know which one I’d rather be stronger in!

Does this mean that we never experience problems – of course not! We will still have things like a child who has just spilt a litre of milk on the floor, or it starts raining when the washing is out, or that you get a big phone bill. These experiences are called ‘life’ and we all go through it, as your children will. When these things happen (the milk, the rain, the bill) we can either dwell on the problem by ranting or yelling or complaining, or we can choose to work on solving the problem instead, with an attitude of ‘what can I do to make this better’. It switches the whole focus from problem to solution! In the heat of the moment it may not feel like there’s anything to be grateful for, but on reflection… maybe you can see that the toddler is learning to pour better, and that the rain is helping the flowers to grow, and that the phone bill means you have lots of friends to talk with! How we choose to see our world is up to us!

Have you ever used a Gratitude Jar? Take a large glass jar and put a label “Gratitude Jar 2014” on it. Each night before bed on a small piece on paper, write down at least one thing you are grateful for, fold it up and place it in the jar. Do this every night. You’ll soon see that there are many things to be grateful for in your life. Yes, even when you are going through times. When I had breast cancer 5 years ago, it was a really had time, with surgery, chemotherapy, radiation etc. Yet, there were still so many things to be grateful for: the skill of the doctors, the caring nurses, the drugs available now, the family who supported me, the flowers I received, the sun shine, the food prepared, the wind in my hair - oh no, I didn’t have that! – so it was laughter instead – soooo much to be grateful for!

What would you put in your Gratitude Jar today? – thanks for the sunshine; my smiling children, my sleeping baby, the food I’m preparing for lunch, the fact I can pay my phone bill, I have warm clothes for my toddler, the feel of clean sheets or freshly brushed teeth, the taste of strawberries, the perfume my mother wears, the memory of my Grandpa etc etc

What an important gift to share with your children – to look at the world with thanks!

Happy (grateful) parenting!

Did you know, that when a baby is born, his brain is ½ the size of an adult brain? By the time he is 3 years old, his brain has grown to 80% size of an adult brain. This is incredible growth, in just 3 years.

How does the brain work, and how can we foster this development?

Within the brain are billions of nerve cells, known as neurons. The neurons have to connect with other brain cells in order to work. Some of these connections are present from birth – for example, the ability to breathe, to suck, to cry, and others occur as the baby grows and develops. The connections occur when experiences or skills are repeated over and over.

For example you don’t learn how to fly a plane with just one lesson – you need multiple opportunities to practise in order to be competent. Babies are the same - in order to learn to walk, or stack blocks or feed themselves – it doesn’t happen with just one instruction from us. This is why a young baby will drop toys (or food!) over the high chair repeatedly. Parents often think that the child doesn’t want the object. What the baby is learning, is when I drop this book, it goes bang, and when I do it again, it still goes bang. When I drop the orange it rolls away, sometimes it rolls left, sometimes right… they are looking to make the connection (in their brain) between action and response. Once they’ve dropped the book often enough, then they no longer need to do it, because they know it will go bang.

Whilst our skulls are hard, the brain within is fragile, and like glass, it can be easily damaged. This is why we need to ensure proper care of the brain, especially in the early months, when baby’s neck muscles are not yet strong, and they struggle to hold up that heavy head. Babies should never be shaken, as their fragile brain bangs against the inside of the skull and can lead to death or serious permanent damage of the brain and it’s function.

We also need to protect babies and children’s brains, by ensuring that they are securely placed in car seats, and later, wear helmets whilst bicycling.

Brain development is also fostered by diet. In order for those connections (known as synapses) to be strong in the brain, they need a protective coating of myelin. The myelin coating enables the brain cells to function more efficiently. Myelin occurs naturally in breast milk, and is added to formula milk. For this reason, formula milk should always be made up according to the directions (not diluted), to ensure the baby receives the correct amount of myelin.

Another thing which fosters healthy brain development, is to limit screen time. It is well documented, that TV, because of the fast moving images, affects the developing neural pathways. When these babies grow, they seem to require constant activity as they’ve grown to see this activity as the norm. Many Paediatric services now recommend no screen time before the age of 2 years of age, and less than 2hrs per day for ages 2+, due to the effects on the developing brain. I hear your shock…. what will I do with them? Think back to your childhood – more walks in the park, or playing in the backyard, digging in the garden, cooking with Grandma, craft work, collecting leaves and snails etc.

It does make you wonder, doesn’t it, with the huge increase in children on medication for ADHD, the children who have poor social skills and the children who have no impulse control, which we’ve seen increase dramatically over the past 20 years, since we have had more screens in the household – be they TV, DVD, computer, X-box etc – makes you wonder….

Being a parent is a huge responsibility, which includes, as far as possible, doing everything we can do to nurture that precious developing brain.

Happy Parenting!

Music for babies begins when you first coo to them, or when you are rocking them to sleep whilst humming, or singing a quiet, gentle lullaby. Babies have even heard your music in utereo, including the ‘music’ of your beating heart!

Parents often sing little songs or rhymes to them whilst changing their nappy or bathing them – reciting ‘This little piggy went to market’ or entertaining a young child with ‘Round and round the garden’, on their hand. Music is such a great connecting mechanism between the parent and child. Music provides comfort, familiarity, physical closeness, anticipation and often laughter.

There are four components to music: singing, listening, dancing and playing.

Here’s how you can help your child to learn….

Singing: Sing lullabies eg ‘Rock-a Bye Baby’ or ‘Mockingbird’ and nursery rhymes such as ‘Twinkle, Twinkle little Star’, or ‘Baa, Baa, Black Sheep’. Include the actions, and even young babies will start to really watch your movements and your excitement, and will soon join in for some of the actions, and maybe part of the words. Toddlers love songs such as ‘Old MacDonald’ where they play an active role in choosing the next animal, and joining in for the chorus.

Listening: This is such an important skill to teach our children. Children may hear you, but may not always listen! We start to teach our babies to listen by using our voice expressively when we greet them, or are talking with them. We give them rattles to shake, and bells which ring. Often we have music in the house and children get to hear what is playing. Take care that the volume is not too loud for them. We also encourage listening by sometimes having both the TV and the music off, and then pointing out the sound of the birds chirping outside, or the distant sound of the postmans’ bike approaching. This really encourages the child to tune in to the sound(s).

When you play music, play a variety…. It can be anything from children’s music to Mozart! By listening to different styles children get to hear the instruments, rhythms and beat.

Read books with rhyming verse and repeated phrases as it encourages participation with it’s rhythm.

Dancing: I remember clearly as a 6 year old, standing on my Daddy’s feet, while he ‘danced’ me around the room, while he sang "You are my sunshine" – such a beautiful memory. Dance with your children, both by holding them on your hip as a baby or toddler, or on your feet with older children. Later dance along side with them, and show them some of your best moves! Have fun doing this – you are creating memories. Let the child choose which music they’d like to play, and what type of dancing is going to be best here.

Playing: Playing musical instruments is such fun! It’s great to have ‘proper’ ones, but you can start off by making simple musical instruments yourself. Fill empty, clean plastic take-away containers with a variety of items – dried beans in one, raw rice in another, cotton tips in another one. Place the lids on and use strong tape to seal them (small items can be a choking hazard). Show your child how to shake them and talk about the loud and soft sounds. Two empty cardboard rolls (from lunchwrap) can be used as tapping sticks, and a wooden spoon and empty plastic container upside-down makes a great drum! You can also use a metal saucepan - but this is only recommended if you can cope with the volume! Sing songs with your child, and play along on the instruments you created together.

Happy musical parenting!